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03 November 2016 @ 07:07 pm
Forward and Backward (unfinished entry)  
It always comes back to LiveJournal when I need a place to spew negative emotions.

The townhouse had become unlivable for me for a variety of reasons, so much so that when I approached the landlord about moving out, we both agreed it was no longer working. It's been a full week now that I've been back home with my parents, which is a positive step in that it will allow me to save some much-needed funds while getting me away from what had ultimately become a toxic situation. Insert sigh of relief. However, it also feels like a step backward. A retreat to the familiar in a dangerously cyclical way. A little bit like failure, if I'm honest. And I know this (or something, at least) is weighing heavily on me, because I've had a horrible nail-biting relapse. My worst since I originally stopped, in fact. I've bitten them down to the point it hurts, and I can't stop.

Unfortunately, I can't fathom why I started again in the first place. It was AFTER I was fully out of the townhouse and settled here at home.

I should be relaxed. I'm already getting better sleep. There shouldn't be as much stress. But there is. A constant tension, the source of which evades me.

And I feel so lonely right now. It feels so pathetic to admit that when I have two loving parents who welcomed me back home without question, but that doesn't make it any less true. Maybe because things seem to be moving backward for me
litlover12 on December 26th, 2016 01:29 am (UTC)
It's good to hear from you, though I'm sorry you're having a rough patch. I pray you'll find ways to move forward in the coming year!
willowaifwillowaif on January 6th, 2017 02:51 am (UTC)

Your situation strikes a very familiar nerve for me and probably a lot others. I just wanted to send you hugs and positive thoughts. Don't be too hard on yourself.