Perpetually Optimistic and Confused

We missed Tiara Day!

2008-05-27T14:10:41Z

That desire to run has come back. Not far. Just... somewhere. The beach, maybe. Disneyland. A cruise. Japan. (I guess that's pretty far, though.) I just want to be away from this, to do something else. Just for a day or two. I feel trapped. Hunched over and cramped in a box. That's what it feels like. I just need a day or two to convince myself I'm really not. :)

What the snap? Why didn't this exist when I was in college? :D

I saw the midnight showing of Prince Caspian, which I really enjoyed and will probably comment on more after I've seen it again. The last scene of the movie made me curious about the books for the first time, and I had sort of planned to go check them out at the library, but instead I looked up synopses online. I=impatient dork. Gotta say, though, I'm glad I did. Series that don't continue to follow the main characters throughout the conclusion (or at least most of the way through) drive me bonkers. I may still try to pick up the series at some point, but I'm 99% positive it will only frustrate me. I like the Pevensies and wanted to read way more about them. :(

My parents have decided we're going to try selling the house and moving closer to work--again. They seem a bit more serious about it this time, though, and I actually started packing my room up last weekend. It's been weird with so many of my things not out on display, but it'll be worth it if they actually follow through this time. If they don't... well, something's gotta give. Either I'll have to move closer on my own, or I'll have to give up my most amazing job ever, because gas is OMG-way-too-high for a hundred miles a day. Why am I not smart? Then I could invent teleportation, and none of this would be an issue. :D

Totally craving some bubble tea right now. Mmm, bubble tea.

Hugs and bubbles!
<3

It's National Smile Month!

2008-05-06T04:52:47Z

And once again, it's been a million years (read: nigh two months) since I've written anything real. Things are pretty consistently getting better--and by "better," I partially mean better. Whenever I find myself unhappy, it ultimately boils down to perspective and how much I'm letting other people influence mine. One of these days I'll learn!

Not gonna lie, though: there are a few people in my life that are just going to affect me. Some I wish I could spend more time with. Some I wish would let me. Some I'm not sure I want to be around. And some I just can't make heads or tails of, no matter how hard I try.

I was chatting with a co-worker the other day about love languages (still need to read that book) and trying to figure out which language most applies to me. Oddly enough, over the past two days, I think I figured out the answer. I've noticed it really drives me crazy when I don't see or hear from people. I enjoy getting little notes, text messages, and seeing that people have called; and when we hang out, I most enjoy just sitting and talking, or running around and doing nothing. So it's really not a huge surprise that, after taking a couple of love language quizzes today, Quality Time overwhelmingly takes the cake. Not only that, but I've realized that when I don't get that quality time (either because I don't get to spend time with that person or because the talking/listening ratio is unbalanced) is when I am most insecure. I begin to suspect that I'm a bother to others and try to quiet my desire to spend time with them by backing off. Unfortunately, I think this is how I end up distancing myself from people. If they don't notice what I'm doing or seek me out, I remain so insecure with the relationship that I find myself unable to approach them and continue to miss that quality time. I probably end up completely holing up and drawing away from the relationship altogether.

Every relationship in my life fits this... The people I feel closest to right now are the ones who actively seek to spend time with me and who balance that time by both sharing with and listening to me. The ones that annoy me the most are the ones that want to spend time with me, but only so they can talk about themselves and never bother listening to me. The ones I feel myself drifting from are the ones who aren't at all receptive to my search for quality time. It's strange, to me, how all these things sort of make sense, now, from this perspective.

So, the quality time thing? Not so surprising. What did surprise me is that Words of Affirmation always came in a close second, and more surprising still: it often tied with Physical Touch! Given my (I thought) aversion to both, it took me a while to figure out why those two kept coming up. I think my surprise with Words of Affirmation was that I was associating it with getting compliments or attention on a grand, public scale--which for some, may be the case. I think in my case, I do actually crave affirmation, but on a quiet scale. Looking at my inbox, I've realized that a good half of the text messages I've saved have been words of affirmation from my friends and family that I hang onto because they make me happy. But the difference between those and, say, an embarassing compliment in the middle of a work meeting, is that the former are quiet, just between me and one person. That person affirms their feelings for me, just for me, and in a manner that makes it easy for me to reciprocate without an audience. So my issue with words of affirmation may not be so much that I don't like them, but that I need to hear those things in a certain quiet, no-pressure atmosphere. This is probably why I like spending one-on-one time with friends, or just hanging out in small groups of three or four.

As for the Physical Touch language, I'm still wrapping my head around that one. Truthfully, I have grown up a lot in respect to that one big fear of mine that I'm constantly hoping to grow out of... and there are several people in my life, now, that I need hugs or pats on the back from to remind me that they care about what I'm going through. But there's also the other end of the spectrum where touching, even just a little nudge, makes me all squirmy and uncomfortable. Friendly hugs, at times, feel like an invasion of my personal bubble (granted, this tends only to be when I'm bothered by something said friend has said or done, but still). More often than not, though, I'm finding that those great big hugs make me feel that I'm closer to a person than I might feel if they didn't hug me.

I still think the first holds true... That whole quality time thing seems to be what counts most for me. (The other languages naturally stem from that one, anyway, don't they?) It's sort of funny that I keep telling myself I don't like to be defined, yet I keep examining myself through things like this. At the same time, though, it's nice to see some reasoning behind my actions and reactions in various relationships...

Just rambling. Always just rambling. :)

On a semi-yet-not-really-related note... I bumped into two people I hadn't seen in months over the past two days, both of whom played very similar roles in my life. It feels nice that in both cases, I didn't feel at all the way I used to feel. While one encounter left me feeling just the tiniest bit awkward, it was still comforting in a weird way that I probably couldn't explain if I wanted to. The other meeting was just very pleasant. Nostalgic. Neither led to regret, second-guessing, or any thoughts of, "what if?" I don't know if that's a sign of growing up or evidence that I shouldn't have been as emotional over these two as I was to begin with!

The way we interact with other members of the human race is such a strange and inexplicable thing...

Things I really wish I'd written about but never did:
.oO Darla and Nick's wedding, which was beautiful and amazing and passed by far too quickly.
.oO Animal Kingdom's 10th Anniversary, which was hot, awkward, fun, and depressing all at once, but was, most of all, highly worthwhile and amusing.
.oO The fact that I have bangs, now. Weeee!
.oO The end of my era of DAK Dream Squadders. None now remain, and that, to me, is heartbreaking.
.oO Dream Squad party '08. But that's what pictures are for.
.oO NATIONAL BUBBLE WEEK.
.oO The slew of other things I've already, no doubt, forgotten.

I got to preview TSM TWICE last night. It's amazing, and I will be taking photos there as soon as it is legal. My personal high score is 98,500 points, and I won a virtual bunny BOTH times I played, which is only fitting! :D :D :D

The next few days are going to be ridiculously exhausting. And I say this having fallen asleep twice already over the course of today, after having my first full night's sleep in almost a month as of last night. Tomorrow night I'm participating in Goofy's Mystery Tour, an after-hours, Cast Member only trivia game/scavenger hunt that is supposed to last 'til one in the morning. I open the next day and will (most likely, since it looks like it'll be a busy day) be working to close... then proceed to work open to close the following day, too. Insert OMG SLEEPY BUNNIES here. But when it becomes a toss-up between sleeping and affording the gas required to drive all the way to my OMG AMAZING JOB every day... yeah. Hoping I can at least find someone to crash with on that side of town tomorrow night, 'cause getting home at 2 and waking up at 5 doesn't sound like a good plan. Then again, I saw a wonderful icon today that said, "Nobody looks back on life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep." :D

I once again find myself full of sleepy bunnies and should probably make my bed so I can fall into it! :D

Hugs and bubbles! MWAH!
<3

Languaging.

2008-04-28T22:29:11Z

So I was going through the files in my writing folder just now (shuddering at how very, very bad I used to be--as opposed to simply very bad, now), and I found this IM conversation I'd saved in which a friend and I worked out several plot issues for something we intended to write together. I saved it in March of 2001. At that time, I had already incorporated "bunnies" into my slanguage, although I was using it as a faux-curse rather than as a verbal emoticon. Still, that's seven years I've been using this term.

Wow.

That was back in the day of LYLAS, PMS, chica, and gurl.

I guess that makes language just another one of those aspects of us that, without our realizing, change and grow as we do.

"Twenty-four finds me in twenty-fourth place with twenty-four drop outs at the end of the day."

2008-03-10T20:36:24Z

(I've missed this.)

I fell in love with this song the first time I heard it, but I don't think I realized at the time that it could ever be a more perfect anthem for my 24th year of life. Oh Switchfoot, how you write the lyrics of my soul amazes me.

I've been holding onto so many things. The reason the past several months feel like such a blur are because I'm not allowing them to be real to me in favor of clinging to history--which is odd, given my aversion to that subject in general. So I gotta figure out how to let go. Not hard, right? Right. Just keep swimming. Keep moving forward. What was once will never be twice, but those things may always be potential once agains that I'll never reach if I sit here stagnant. Letting go isn't erasing it. And it's not "copping out," but trusting that the change can become the comfort if I will just let it.

The tricky thing is what's missing. Do I let my heart get too attached? I think that's the reason I have so much trouble with this. I knot little strands of my heart around the people in my life, so when we separate, the strands become taut until I feel that painful tug that consistently reminds me I'm missing them. I've never had one break. They just slowly start to unravel on my end, to get a bit looser, so that I don't notice it as constantly until the other person gives a little tug. Wow, how cliché is this? But that's really what it feels like. Am I supposed to cut the threads? Is that better? And if so, how do I do that? Or is it even necessary to break those attachments to achieve the letting go to begin with? And is it really so wrong for me to miss them this much?

I think this makes me childish, but I never claimed to be anything else, so maybe that's okay. :)

I badly need to relinquish control and regain focus again, too.

I feel like I missed a chance. I've never felt that way before. Anytime before, even when it's ached inside like this, I've thought, "Oh well. If it's supposed to be, it'll come around again." This time, I'm thinking, "Why didn't I just try and see if it was supposed to be, now?" Because now, it feels like just another one of those things I need to let go so I can keep moving toward the real.

Thinking. Sitting. Sitting. Thinking. (I'm going to get some tea.)

Hugs and bubbles!
MWAH!
<3

One Year.

2008-01-12T05:04:25Z

Miss you. Love you. Hope you're better, now. Hope you know...
<3

Happy Tolkien Day, 2008!

2008-01-03T21:26:20Z

So everyone says it... but seriously, where did 2007 go? Goggles. Last year was one of the biggest emotional roller coaster rides I've ever encountered, and it's strange to see it go. I know 2008 is going to be a crazy-exciting year of growth and change, but it would take an awful lot to top last year. Right now, the fact that it's gone feels very surreal.

I waved goodbye to '07 from my couch, watching the Times Square shenanigans and hoping for clips of the fireworks at MK (which I now see were on CNN, not ABC), but seeing as I'd worked early all week and had to work early on the 1st, I called it a night at about 1 (and woke up again at 5). One day I'll tough it out and visit one of the parks for New Year's. :)

As regards working on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day... I have to ramble about the end of the 2007 Year of a Million Dreams and be ridiculously sentimental:

I know a lot of people aren't really going to understand this, because a lot of people I spent the day working with didn't really get it... but I spent a good chunk of December 31, 2007 crying my eyes out. Although the Year of a Million Dreams was extended through the end of 2008, Monday was still the official end of the 2007 YoMD... and therefore the end of something I helped begin back in September of '06. And to me, that is a big, big deal, regardless of the fact that we were all right back to work doing the very same things on Tuesday morning. And of course, legally, December 31 was the end of the 2007 Disney Dreams Giveaway sweepstakes, marking a lawful end to what we started on October 1, 2006 (really, what we started back in September when we started training and planning and writing the book for this celebration). I mean, we did it. Everyone who has come and gone since the summer of '06, right up until Monday night... we did it. 1.25 million dreams, and then some. Crazy. Absolutely crazy.

So, being that Monday meant so very much to me... I couldn't help but selfishly e-mail my leader and ask permission to go to the final prize of the day at MK. (Ideally, I would have liked to go to the final prize at Animal Kingdom... ring out 2007 with my teammates there, and then ring in 2008 the next day with my new team... but there was no way to do this.) This was (still is) childishly important to me since I'd had the rare opportunity to attend the very first prize back in October '06 (it just so happened to occur at DAK), and I really wanted to see the end of the YoMD at MK, at least. Well, at our morning meeting, our manager announced that anyone that wanted to be there could be there... and then I promptly drew a greeting land that would have prevented me from going (due to magical moment timings). For several hours, I didn't think I'd be able to go, but about twenty minutes before the prize, I got a text message on my radio from manager that told me to come, anyway, and let the folks I partnered with for my MM know I'd be a bit late. Thanks to her and a couple of Entertainment folks, I was able to go! About ten minutes before the award time, I took off running backstage and made it just in time! GLEE!

Most (almost all) of the other greeters made it over as well, and we situated ourselves at the exit location where we could cheer for all the winners of the last prizes. I was holding up just fine, joking around and chatting with the Guests coming by while we and the prize team waited for the official time... Well, one of the prize team waved at us from their location and gave us the two-minute mark (for legal purposes, we still didn't know the official time until that point)... and I promptly burst into tears.

And could not stop.

I cried when we got the thumbs up that the prize time was upon us, cried through all the waving and cheering and high fives we gave to the winning Guests as they walked by us, cried when our leader came down to take photos of us, and really, just kept crying. I felt so stupid, because everyone was (trying to make me feel better!) telling me not to cry because we'd still be dreaming the next day, reminding me that it wasn't over. But really, I just don't know if anyone understood. When they asked, I tried to explain why I was feeling so sentimental... because of how it felt back then in 2006, before anything had started, when all of this was just an idea, and a lot of it wasn't even on paper. We didn't have a clue how we were going to do all these things and spent so much time running around in circles, trying to figure everything out before October 1. I tried to explain that seeing the completion of all that... to see just how big it had become, how easily things fall into place now, after all that chaos and planning... to see the official end of things, regardless of what happened the next day... was overwhelming in a silly way. But I think they were just too amused by my crying while knowing good at well that I'd be right back at it the next day!

Oddly enough, the Guests around me at least seemed to understand... or even if they didn't, they seemed sympathetic for whatever reason, though I'm almost sure I got a few knowing smiles.

And as it turned out, Magic Kingdom actually did have the last official prize of 2007. I can't believe I have the ability to say that I was present for both the first and final prizes of the 2007 Year of a Million Dreams Celebration. It absolutely gives me chill bumps to think about. I just don't know if I can explain in words how very, very much that means to me.

Can you believe it gets even better from there? I was also scheduled to be part of the prize team on January 1! But this is what I truly loved about prizes on the first day of '08: there were so many, so close together, that we actually had to employ the ENTIRE opening team to help give away all those dreams! Greeters and all, every member of the MK team who was there that morning helped distribute the first prizes of 2008! I was functioning on less than 4 hours of sleep and had been given much chocolate by my teammates that morning, so I was in rare Erin form, but it was such a blast! The person I was teamed with and I were able to give out both the third and fifth MK prizes of the year.

So... even though being on the MK team still feels so very surreal and awkward for me... my New Year's experiences at work were amazing, and I am still just as giddy as I was in the beginning.

So... wonderfulness. I'm not gonna lie, even with all the wonderfulness... I am still feeling nostalgic. Lonely. Insecure. I was so settled at DAK, the same way I was back at Emp when I was terrified about leaving to start Dream Squad. After the initial fear and settling, though, I was never the "new kid" on the DAK Squad. I was the person welcoming the "new kids." And it's hard to be back on the other side, feeling like everything I say or do could turn drastically wrong, and constantly wondering what my new teammates think of me. When I left DS at DAK, my leader told me I'd grown a lot and really come out of my shell. I think the worst thing I'm feeling right now is guilt... I feel guilty because I think that, if he were to see me now, he'd be disappointed in how I've reverted back to an older version of myself.

And I am still missing people in my life that I never thought would be this distant... or worse, gone. And I'm still questioning the nature of the threads that tie me to some of the people in my life, whether those threads are as strong as I initially thought, and why some of those threads can't grow as strong as I'd like.

Yep, I think nostalgic, lonely, and insecure about covers it. :) But I think about October of '06, and it makes sense to feel this way. I'm walking another fork in the road, just like I was then. It's so exciting and new, but I can still see the split in the path behind me, and I'm not far enough down the road yet to stop myself from missing what diverged from me and went the other way. But eventually I'll settle and get used to this terrain, and in the meantime... just keep swimming!

Happy 2008!
Hugs and bubbles!
MWAH!
<3

For some reason, it's 5:40, and I'm trying to figure you out.

2007-12-03T10:44:36Z

Back in October, when I was offered a position on the MK DS again, I promised myself I wasn't going to walk away from this TA like I did the last one... barely remembering a handful of the amazing times and Guest experiences I took part in. I promised myself that no matter how exhausted I was or how many other things I had to do, I was going to take the time to write about each of the wonderful moments I shared so I wouldn't look back a year from today and sadly wish I could remember the names, faces, and stories behind the most magical time of my life. I told myself this would be easy and that I would do it.

So far I'm off to a sucky start. I've been back to dreaming for two weeks now and haven't put a single memory down to paper or keyboard!

Bad Erin. Bad.

So can I talk about my unofficial second day of training?

Tuesday the 20th, the day after Rodney got smushed up, I was scheduled prizes. This turned out to be very beneficial, as once prizes were done with, I was free and able to use the rest of the day to finish up my missed training. Had I not been training that day, I definitely would have spent a good deal more time with a woman I met named Bridget. I forget what my trainer was showing me on Main Street (aaaah, my old stompin' grounds) when we were both approached by four kids who wanted to pin trade with us. While chatting with the kids and several of the adults from their rather large party, we realized they were all dressed in various pirate attire (t-shirts, Captain Jack sandals, skull and crossbones jewelry, cursed medallions, hats, et cetera). Turns out the group was SO excited about their vacation (which included a Disney Cruise!) that they'd planned out matching attire for every day of the trip. We also learned they were celebrating the 50th birthday of one member of the group, a young lady named Bridget.

I asked where Bridget was, and the group motioned over to where she was standing--clearly without her birthday button. The kids had finished trading with me but were still mulling over my trainer's lanyard, so I requested that the rest of the party escort me over to the birthday girl and made a big show about her not having her button, then pulled one out of my "magic" bag and decorated it with lots of "pixie dust" polka dots for her. Bridget was so excited over the button (and its special brand of pixie dust) that she joked that she felt initiated, as if she had to jump up and down or turn in circles or something to earn it. I went right along with it and said no, but that someone visiting the park on such a special ocassion must be charged with the very difficult task of sprinkling pixie dust wherever she went... and I proceeded to pull a little baggie of Tinkerbell's pixie dust out of my bag and pass it over to her. She was sooooooooooooooo cute and gave me a great big hug, explaining that I'd made her feel like a little girl again! She clutched the baggie to her as I explained that she should sprinkle a pinch of it wherever something amazing happened for her during her trip, then immediately took out a pinch and tossed a tiny bit up into the air. HEE! The whole family clapped and was so excited for her, and I really wanted to do more for the rest of the party, too, but I could tell my trainer was antsy to move on, so I had to say goodbye... but I got lots of hugs from the rest of the family, too, for making Bridget feel so special.

Honestly, I think it was the first moment that I felt that... even if I never feel as comfortable on the MK Squad as I was on the DAK Squad... I still know I did the right thing by coming back to Dream Squad in general. Those are the kind of random moments I want to do as often as possible, and when I'm managing the Guests in Mickey's line or ringing someone up on a register, I'm just not as free to have those moments as I am when I'm Dreaming.

Friday, November 30

Oh. My. Gosh. Quite possibly THE most amazing experience I have had greeting, EVER, took place this day. One of the Magical Moments sometimes available to us at MK is to give two families the opportunity to watch the fireworks from a VIP location. Well, on Friday, I was able to partner up with a wonderful teammate named Debby and go out to find two families to make this magic for. I don't even know how we ended up with two groups as perfect as we did, but I have to say that the families we took to see the fireworks made more magic for us than I think we possibly could have for them. Debby and I basically greeted around together, hoping to encounter just the right individuals for our magic, when we turned around after a pin trade fest and ended up saying hello to three princesses and their handsome prince escort (Dad, Mom, and two girls celebrating their 16th and 18th birthdays simultaneously). We wished the girls (Ashley and Birttany, respectively) happy birthdays, which ultimately launched into the most wonderful conversation with this family. After a few moments, Debby and I glanced at each other, and she gave me a tiny nod, so I asked if the group was planning to stick around for the fireworks prior to the dinner plans they'd already mentioned to us. When they said yes, Debby explained that we'd been given the chance to invite two very special families to watch the fireworks from an equally special location and asked if they would be interested in being one of those families. They were SO appreciative and waxed poetic about how amazing that would be, and Mom (Marti) even asked if she could hug us (to which we had no arguments)! We explained where we would meet up with them and walked away knowing that even if we couldn't find a second group (we'd been pressed for time to begin with), we'd done darn well enough just finding this family!

Well, we'd walked no more than twenty feet (which took nearly ten minutes, given all the Guests we chatted with along the way) when we were approached by two young ladies (Jessica and Keely) interested in looking at our pins. While trading, Debby and I got to chatting with them and their parents, and after a moment of idle chit chat, Dad noticed my nametag and mentioned he had lived for eight years in Shreveport! He and I got to rambling about the area (both back in the day and how much it's been built up today) while Debby chatted with the girls, and... long-story-short, she and I exchanged the same look that quietly agreed they were having such a great trip that we couldn't resist throwing up the same offer to them, too... and once again, perfect group--they were so excited and thanked us profusely, and after showing them exactly where to meet us, we departed to make our preparations. Honestly, I had no idea the moment was going to get even better.

A little while later, when we met up with both parties, we had time to chat with them more as we waited to guide them to the VIP area... and though we didn't plan it this way, Debby ended up chatting quite a lot with the first family while I was chatting with the second. For a while we talked about things in the park until Dad ended up asking which high school I'd attended. So of course I launched into my standard explanation about how I'd actually been in Florida by the time HS rolled around, but that this didn't matter since I was homeschooled... at which point Mom and Dad's eyes got bigger and Jessica and Keely turned all smiles as Dad announced, "Really? We do that, too!" I don't know if I can really describe how exciting it is to meet fellow homeschoolers or even what I could compare it to, but I was absolutely elated! The family was from Ohio, so we got to chatting about the schooling requirements there compared to those in LA and FL, all the co-ops their girls participate in, whether or not the girls might decide to go to a public high school, and etc. Not gonna lie, I was just the tiniest bit bummed when it actually came time to escort them to the viewing area, where I would have to assume other duties and wouldn't be able to chat quite as much with them... but it made my night when, just before the fireworks began, they requested to have a photo with Debby, the girls, and myself in front of the castle. Awwwwww!

Of course I ended up chatting with the other family (from Georgia), too, and they were still just as excited and grateful as they'd been originally... the whole group was all smiles, and it was a blast seeing their expressions as they watched the show. I think Debby was just as sad as I was when the fireworks ended and we escorted them back to play in the park again. Before they wandered off, we presented them with special certificates from Mickey Mouse, and everyone gushed about how wonderful it had been... I got huge hugs from Jessica and Keely (the latter told Debby and me we were the most magical people in all of WDW!), and even from their parents, and thanks all around from both families, who I asked to sign my autograph book. The homeschooling family left an e-mail, which I'm very psyched about! I can't wait to send them a note from my Disney account and ask how the remainder of their trip was! I really wish the other family had, as well, but what happened later that night more than made up for it. As much as we wanted to chat with them all night, Debby and I had to wish our families well and hurry off to join the rest of the team to help close out the park for Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party.

Well, several hours later, while greeting during the Christmas party, I turned around to see our Georgia family, who clustered around me and were very excited! I was confused, since they'd told Debby and me they had dinner plans at one of the resorts, and they proceeded to tell me how they'd been stuck on the monorail on their way out and were later able to return to the park for the party because of that! They laughed and said that Debby and I must have dumped a whole truckload of pixie dust on them, because we'd given them good luck all night! It was such a sudden encounter than I didn't have an opportunity to work any more magic on them, but it really did make my night even THAT much more shiny to see them again--and that they all still had HUGE smiles on their faces made it even better! I'm telling you, that these two families just happened to be around when Debby and I needed to find Guests for this moment was so much more than coincidence... we could not have encountered two happier, more appreciative groups to treat, and I can't even explain the amount of pixie dust they sprinkled for ME. It was absolutely the highlight of my night, if not my week!

Saturday, December 1

After closing out two Christmas parties in a row, I was afraid Saturday would be super-boring, even with the filming going on in the park (and all the crowds that come with it). There are just so many special things to see and do in the parks during party events that there's always something extra to take Guests to see or inform them of, and everyone who comes in for the parties is in the BEST mood, which makes my night that much more fun! Plus, y'all know I'm just a diehard Christmas nut, so greeting during the holiday festivities is so much more... festive, to me! So, being that Saturday was just a normal midnight close, I was afraid it would get boring for me after a while. But actually, I ended up chatting with some of the most interesting (and funny) Guests that night. I also ended up splitting lands that night because a couple of my teammates needed to go home early... so I started out the evening greeting in one area, then switched to another part-way through the night when the greeter there went home. As such, I ended up bumping into several families twice in one night when they wandered into my second zone. One couple that I distinctly recalled pin trading with earlier in the evening happened upon me at the very end of the night in my second area, and stood patiently to the side waiting to see my lanyard again while I was finishing up a magical moment with a young Guest named Liam.

Liam and I had been playing with toy race cars together for about 45 minutes when I finally explained that I had to let my Cars friends get some sleep, but that I wanted to give him a special gift for playing with me. I pulled an Honorary Citizen button out of my bag and handed it to him, but then asked him to put the button in his pocket, because before he could wear it, he'd have to take the Honorary Citizen pledge. (I'll spare you all the details, but getting this little guy to "repeat after me" at roughly 11:45 at night was the CUTEST thing I've seen all week!) Well, Liam and his dad got the biggest kick out of it, and having noticed the pin trading couple waiting out of the corner of my eye, I wished the race car drivers good night and turned to show the patient spectators my lanyard. When I recognized them from earlier, I joked that I didn't think I had anything different from the last time they'd looked, to which the gentleman (Dave) replied, "Well, you never know!" and continued scanning my lanyard. As he did so, the lady (Patty) leaned over and said that having Liam take the pledge had been the cutest thing she'd ever seen at Disney! Awwwwwwww! Patty then told me they had a 10 year old relation (and here I forget if she's their niece or granddaughter) coming to visit next week and that they were bringing her to see me when they came to MK. Double awwwwwwwwww! I asked what her name was (Megan) and when she was coming (flying in Monday--which I just realized, incidentally, is today!), and then told them I couldn't wait to meet her.

I don't recall what I said after that, but it led Dave to make some joke about how they visited so often that they should own part of the property, so I asked them to pick a spot, any spot (they chose Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger Spin) and then asked their names (Patty told me, and Dave asked if I would really remember--so I'm determined to, now, even if I don't get to meet Megan at all this week!) and joked with them that I thereby dubbed the Space Ranger Spin as their unofficial corner of the Magic Kingdom. Tuesday I'm going to find out if I can write up some sort of cheeky little certificate deeming it so, just in case I do happen to see them this week. I really, really hope I can, because they're just the sort of half-believing, joke-tossing, borderline-cynics that I want to throw some pixie dust at and really shock with a little bit of Disney magic. :D :D :D

Goggles, I'm such a nerd.

There were a few other parties that stick out in my head, but I might just have to write about them later; right now I'm feeling particularly rambly and ungrammatical, which is an explosive combination.

...

Well, let me see. News on Rodney: as of the beginning of this week, we finally got everything worked out. I suppose the other guy admitted to backing up (though, according to his insurance contact, he maintains that I was somehow partially at fault--I didn't bother to question how he reckons so, because frankly, he's wrong, so I couldn't care less) and therfore I don't have to pay for anything. Thank goodness! So I was finally able to take Rodney to the repair shop and get a rental car (a Honda Accord that must loathe me for all the bruises it's put on my knees) to get myself to and from work. 48 hours later... they were finally able to open Rodney's hood (which has been jammed shut since the accident and unable to be opened due to the insurance tug-of-war) and determined that yes, there is interior damage (poodlesticks!), which means we have to go through the whole shindig of having two appraisers and both insurance adjusters connect and agree all over again over how much that's going to cost.

I just. Want. My car back.

Siiiiiiiigh.

Dad's trying to talk me into selling him as soon as I get him back, since I apparently won't be able to sell him for as much later down the line now that he's been in an accident. I don't think he realizes how much I love my car. This is possibly unhealthy in some way, but I sort of wanted to cry and/or kick something when he even suggested it. I see and completely understand his logic. I also want to hit it with a big, fluffy mallet. :D

I miss so many people right now... I've come to discover (or rediscover?) that there are different levels of sidekick-dom. I don't think it's so much that the definition of the role has changed, but that each hero determines how important the role is allowed to be. For some, I'm a sidekick that has an opportunity to change and affect the plot. That's the sidekick with which I'm content. For some... I'm just that fluff, the comedic relief that appears at the wrong moment and is forgotten almost instantly. Strangely enough, those aren't the ones that hurt the worst. Right now, what hurts the worst are the ones I thought were the former who, for the time being, appear to have written me out of the story altogether. Or maybe this makes no sense and is simply the early morning rambling of a crazy girl who can't figure out what's going on in everyones' heads. :D

Goggles, it's almost time for the sun to come up. I should soooooo sleep. I haven't pulled one of these since college. :D

MWAH! Hugs and bubbles!
<3

IDK

2007-11-26T07:08:04Z

I don't know why I'm not sleeping right now. It may have something to do with coffee, but it didn't have anything to do with coffee the last two nights... so yeah.

I wish I was lying under a tree right now, but I wish it was autumn so I could stare up at all the colors in the moonlight and feel nothing but inspired and awed.

I wish it didn't hurt so much...

...that I never hear from you. That I constantly wish I would.
...that you're always asking about someone else.
...that neither of you seem to care, at all.
...that we talked more as just coworkers than we do now that we're friends.
...that you pretty much ditched me.
...that your name follows me everywhere.
...that fear of the distance came true.
...that it feels like my fault.
...that I'm so paranoid about all this.
...that this proves I am both what I do and don't want to be.

Today was my family's Thanksgiving, and we all managed to more or less get along for several hours together--with Grammy! I don't know if that's a testament to the fact that we're getting older and more mature or a testament to the fact that we just don't care enough to get riled up anymore. Or maybe we were all just too tired to bother with things. Hee. :) But regardless of the reason, it turned out to be a lovely little post-holiday. With DRESSIN'! Honest-to-goodness southern cornbread dressin', and not that wannabe stuff they've been serving at work for the past month! Gleeeeeeeeee. Right now I'm excessively thankful for leftovers! Or... I will be... when my stomach decides to forgive me for eating ENTIRELY too much food this afternoon. Meep!

I've been trying to get some people together to go watch the castle lighting with me for ages, only to find out most of them had gone to do so without me. Soooo, last Sunday, after work, I just stayed to watch... and I'm not sure what happened. I cried, of course. I mean, I knew I would. But about the time when I should have been able to turn off the waterworks, they just kept coming. And I found myself thinking about all kinds of things... all kinds of wonderful, amazing, awful, and painful things, and I sat there crying for about ten minutes, by myself, in the Magic Kingdom, staring up at the castle. I don't know whether to blame this on girly hormones or a lack of chocolate, but I've definitely felt... incomplete... since. That makes no sense, but it's still the truth.

Wow, I've been writing this entry for like half an hour, now. :D

I was passing through the living room while my parents were watching TV and overheard this woman say something along the lines of how a sense of belonging is one of the bigger human needs. I haven't stopped to consider whether I agree with this or not, but it instantly made me think of my work situation and wonder whether that has anything to do with my feeling so out of sorts lately. When I finally found my little corner of Dream Squad, when the newness and uncertainty settled, my feet touched stable ground there and... I belonged. Without even trying, I had this place and these people that accepted me and dealt with me, and... I just belonged there. Despite the unstable times, despite any incidents we encountered, I had my roots there. It was a little corner, a little place just for me. It seems that no matter where I went from there, no matter the fact that I've now returned, that place and those people are no longer what surround me, and I feel uprooted and... and like I don't belong. I don't know if that means I can't belong or if I'm just resisting the change because I think it's too hard to try to belong somewhere new. I don't know.

I think I had a point, somewhere in there. But I probably forgot it. :)

Love and hugs! MWAH!
<3

Ugh.

2007-11-19T22:38:07Z

So, I'm home right now. Have been since about 11 o'clock, on what should have been my second day of MK DS training... because at about 7:30 this morning, while stopped at the toll plaza on the way into the parking lot, a boxtruck decided it was in the the wrong lane and backed into me.

Backed up. And into my baby. Whose hood is now all smushed up and whose enginey insides are all leany and bent. Rodneeeeeeeeey. :( :( :(

Uuuuuuuugh. Ugh, ugh, ugh. :(

I was being all stupid and childish and not knowing what to do, so my dad drove out to get me (for anyone not paying attention, that's an hour-long trek) because he didn't want me to drive baby... my poor, broken baby... And in the meantime, of course, I had to let my leaders know I'd be late for work, and my manager actually came out and stayed with me, helped me out when the truck-driver started changing his story to say I hit him (which, let's face it, MY baby's all crushed up front, and his truck looks like nothing happened, so of course it looks like I rear-ended him), gave me a ride when they towed poor Rodney over to the car care center, and stayed the whole time my dad was helping me figure out what to do. Um, that's pretty much made of awesome, right? I didn't know how to thank her at all, but I was soooooooo grateful to have her there.

So... baby's home, now, and we had someone look at it, but they can't actually get under the hood (which is kinda jammed shut, anyway) until after insurance stuff is all worked out... but they think like the whole front has to be replaced. Cryyyyyyyyyy. :( And in the meantime... I get to carpool. A LOT.

And... as I told my manager... I love how nothing that happens to me is typical. Instead of getting in the numerous sorts of accidents I COULD get into when I drive a hundred miles every day... I get BACKED into while stopped at a one-way toll plaza! It's kinda funny, really... or it will be, like, several weeks from now. :D

Hugs and bubbles!
<3

19 hours and counting...

2007-11-18T05:04:21Z

I forgot how heavy my Dream bag is. I forgot I left a bunch of DAK stuff in it. I didn't expect that to be so painful.

I'm a little surprised at how worried I'm... not. I don't think it feels real, yet. Emotional, yes. Real, no. Exciting? Yes. Definitely!

I think I've been up for too long. 19 hours and counting...

Today's my boss's birthday. He's 79, and I'll be dreaming again.

I forgot how awful I look in this costume. I forgot how it makes me feel okay, anyway.

<3

Honestly. It's all okay. I am happy. Just confused. Honestly.

2007-11-15T08:07:32Z

These are the trickier ones. The ones I can't write until I'm half-asleep and less guarded. The ones that take forever to write because I don't know what to say or how to say it.

I can't help. It. This. I can't help thinking. Christmas. He seemed so normal on Christmas. Better. After everything, he seemed. He reacted. To us. To things. More than he had in a while. He still didn't know me. Not really. I think? Not me. Us. Anyone. But he looked and saw. And he knew. Things. Not us. But things. Maybe us. Maybe. I can't remember. But he looked so good. He looked so good compared to... For all that time, he didn't look good, and he just. He looked better. On Christmas. And everything was fine. Three weeks later. I don't know. And I can't. Help it. Thinking about it. It's almost here. One year. And I still haven't. Can't. Haven't dealt with it. Should. But it feels too far away. Long ago. Too long to dredge up. And I can't. Can't. Can't help it. I can't. But I'm thinking, too. Why now? Why this timing? Why this problem? Why her, too? What if. What if... What if? And. Not again. Not fair. Not Christmas. January again. I can't help it. And I can't. I don't. I feel... Don't want to be around. Her. Because she makes me feel like. Like garbage. Like a bad person. What. What's wrong with me? Why can't I. Because I can't deal with her. So I won't. Deal with her. It. Both. And I can't help. Can't help thinking. What if? What if January happens again? What if I miss... This. It. Her? What if? But I can't go. I can't help it. I don't want to. Don't. Or won't. Or can't. Can't. Can't. Can't. Why not?

I got a phone call Tuesday night, while I was out with friends, from someone I never expected to hear from again. From someone I made fast, deep friends with over about a month, and then had to say goodbye to. From someone who called me a close, best friend. From someone who promised... and then didn't. I couldn't answer it. I mean, I wouldn't, because I was out with friends. But I also couldn't. I don't think I would have had I not been out, had I just been sitting around at home, or in the car. I don't think I could have. I hardly expected a voice mail. I mean, I've called so much, sent so many messages, with nothing at all in response. And it was hard. It was soooooooo hard. It tore me up for several weeks afterward. I'm not sure why, except maybe that I felt I had so much to learn and was being robbed of the chance. And it was just a very deep, very real, very sudden friendship that... just didn't feel okay when it was gone. It still doesn't sometimes, but it sort of faded, too. And that call was like suddenly seeing the residue of leftover sticky from a piece of tape you pulled off the wall months ago. And then there was a voice mail, and I don't know what I hoped, but it wasn't to be an "in" or a "way back" or a source of information. I think the hope involved some missing and some how are you and some... well, sorry. And I feel like this awful, spiteful, petty individual because I haven't worked up the nerve to call back, to say, sorry, I was out with friends. Sorry, I haven't returned your call. But really it's not out of spite at all. It's... it's childish, but it's fear. What if I am just an "in?" But it is a little petty. Not the way it seems. Petty because I feel stupid. Because I don't have the answers, and I want to find them before I call back, because I don't want to look stupid. Because I want to have something worth giving, worth saying, something to help with. I don't know why. I don't know.

And I wanted to write about this person, this person that fills me up with insane amounts of giddy and painful confusion, because I just don't understand the vast difference between how I'm treated in person versus how I'm treated not in person. It makes sense, I promise. But I don't know how to write about that. I just know I care. I care soooooooooooo much. I care so much, so I guess I just want to understand. Understand, or not care. Whichever turns out to be easiest. And at this point, I think not caring might be easiest, because this person is just... SO inaccessible. Unreachable. Far away. And not in the way this sounds. At least not in the way that I think this must sound. But in the... Why can't you flippin talk to me when we're not face to face?!... way. Or in the... Do you really just not see me when I see you and I think you see me, too, but then you don't say or do or visit, or do you see me and not care?... way. I know what this sounds like. Think I know what this must sound like. It's platonic, I swear. It's a... it's a what if. Again. Like the phone call. It's a... what if we had become sudden, fast, deep friends? Would it have ended up like this phone call situation? I don't think it would. I feel like you would GET me. If you were still around. If you would still be around. I feel like when we are face to face, that I have this chance to know and be known and connect, and make another really fantastically close friend. And I feel like if this disconnect between when we are face to face and when we're not could just be... not so disconnected... that we would be like twins or siblings or alternate versions of each other that just... get each other. And I'm not sure why it bothers me so much that it might not happen this way. And I'm not sure why I feel like it's my fault. Most of all, I'm not sure why I keep bothering when I'm so sure that your actions in those not-face-to-face moments mean that you don't want anything to do with me. And I'm pretty sure it's because your actions in those oh-so-rare face-to-face moments contradict that and make me what if again.

It's all just my silly attempt to make sense of things. I am happy. I am! No worries. :)

Bubbles, hugs, and kisses.
<3

What matters, what doesn't; what should, and what shouldn't?

2007-11-15T03:18:18Z

I feel like I'm in some sort of time warp. Honestly, anything that hasn't happened to me within the general bubble of twelve hours' time feels like it happened ages ago... and everything I'm sure is rushing toward me actually feels eons away. There's a grand possibility that this has more to with sleep deprivation than anything else, but regardless of the cause, the effect has been confusing and a little bothersome. How far back do I have to go to catch up? The last time I wrote (in July!) feels like years ago!

A good starting place might be why I vanished off the face of the internet Earth to begin with. (Myspace doesn't count. Myspace is its own little planet, quite possibly one being devoured by a giant black hole in a galaxy far, far away. I don't recall enough of my astronomy studies to remember if this is scientifically conceivable or scientifically fictional, but the description serves its purpose either way.) Said vanishing act mostly involved a big emotional upset that I haven't felt much like writing about since said upset. Said upset has lots to do with life, almost everything to do with work, and loads to do with that question I started asking myself back in May of last year--whaaaaaaaaaat now? Dream Squad ended for me. Rather suddenly. On August 12--11 months and one day after I started--I was through. And this place where I had finally belonged and this thing that I had fallen in absolute love with--and more than anything else, the people I saw every day, more than my own family--were almost completely gone. Harsh. Quite possibly the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with (barring January).

It was made all the more difficult by several things. Exceptions were made for CMs in other parks to return--with just a two-week gap to return to their old areas. I'm not sure why this wasn't extended to the members of my team, but I'm over it, now. It was just painful to explain to others WHY I was having to go (because the length of the TA couldn't surpass a year) only to have them say, "Well so and so over here has been there just as long and isn't leaving!" Kinda makes ya feel like dirt. :) Not only that, but just a few days after those of us on the opening team (at my park) were told we'd be going, our leaders announced the 2008 extension of the YoMD. It broke my heart to sit there and hear all the amazing things they'd be doing next year that I couldn't be part of!

The other tricky part of the matter was that, instead of returning to my old area (good old Emporium), for some reason or another, I was removed from the schedules altogether! So for several weeks there, I was more or less without a job--still part of the company, but not assigned to any specific role or area. So there I was, totally dejected and lost, and I didn't even have a work schedule to keep my brain too preoccupied to think about all the wonderful things I was missing!

August was a kind of sucky month, by the way. ;)

Thankfully, within a week of DS ending, I managed to line up a few interviews to check out some other roles. One I landed on the spot and transferred into the first week of September--character attending, which makes me one of those crazy people that follows Mickey Mouse and the rest of the gang around to make sure everyone gets nice photos with and autographs from them. I've been at it for several weeks now and am really only just starting to get the hang of it. There are aspects of the role that are AMAZING, and I am having fun with it... but there are parts of it that are so sad. I have to be that person to tell little Timmy and his family that Mickey has to go and won't be able to meet him on his last day at the parks. :( :( :( Sadness!

Another interview I had was for Guest Relations. I can only describe GR, for those who aren't versed in the Disney way, as Customer Service... times ten thousand. When you interview for something like GR, if you make it, you go into a "pool," which is like a waiting list. Well, I'm in it! Everyone I know who made the pool with me has been called already, so I'm not sure what to think of the fact that I haven't been. Although to be honest, I was shocked I made the pool to begin with! Whatever the case, it's a waiting game, now. A waiting game that's a tiny bit complicated by this one little amazing thing that came up in October.

I suppose the higher ups realized they gave the DS folks at my park a somewhat rough deal annnnnnnnd my direct manager offered to put me (and, I believe, some others who were opening team with me) back into the DS pool... oooooon a few conditions. One, I would have to stay in my area (now character attending) for at least three months before going back. Two, I wouldn't be able to go back to Animal Kingdom. :( :( :( So essentially, I would be starting over on a new temp assignment at another park. I vacillated over this for a while, because I am SO attached to the people at DAK, and it feels like home to me... but the more I thought about it, I remembered how distanced I felt from the team when I first started... and even then, I still loved the JOB more than anything else I've ever done, so I said yes and was placed back into the Dream Squad pool, as well. Well, about three weeks ago, I got a phone call and was offered a transfer to the MK Squad on November 18! I was so shocked that I questioned the 3-month thing before actually doing the math, and yes, as of last week, my three months away is done and gone!

After getting the offer, I once again found myself vacillating... for all of two hours before I realized I would be an IDIOT to turn it down! So on my boss's birthday, I'll be going back to MK, back to my other Kingdom, back to my castle where I started out over three years ago. I'm excited. I'm VERY excited. I'm also apprehensive. Am I going to like being on another team? It'll be the same job, but different quirks, because each park runs a little differently, and things have changed while I've been away. It'll be different people. How is that going to feel? Especially on group outings. We're all such friendly rivals at the various parks, and I'm SO used to cheering for DAK and am sure I'll still want to. But... I'll be back on the Dream Squad for Christmas, which is AMAZING. But I suppose I'll just have to figure all this stuff out when I get there in a few days.

Now... there's always a slim chance that, while I'm on DS, I may get a call with a transfer offer to GR. I had already decided that I'd take GR over DS if it came down to a choice, simply because GR is something I haven't done and DS is something I have... however, I've been trying to talk a friend of mine into rejoining DS within the next few weeks, and in doing so, I've reminded myself of how fleeting this opportunity is. After '08, that's it. No more. The last hurrah. And I really want to be a part of it (again) for as long as they'll let me stay (again). GR will always be there... buuuuuut it's a tough spot to pin down, so I'm a bit worried that--should it come down a choice--turning down GR would throw me into a place where I wouldn't be able to take it again. Besides, I'm fairly positive that both my parents would skewer me alive if I turned down GR. Not sure now what exactly I'll do should the scenario arise, but I suppose it may not come up at all, anyway.

Here's the other amazing thing, and like GR, it's a little tough to explain to anyone who doesn't know Disney. It's something I haven't really talked about in person much, too, because... while exceptionally honored, I'm not sure I deserve it and don't want to feel like I'm bragging by discussing it. There are all kinds of ways to recognize employees, almost no matter where you work. At Disney, there's this thing called Partners in Excellence, and it's an honor your fellow Cast Members nominate you for if... well, basically if you do all things Disney like a pro. I was nominated this year, which in and of itself was amazing to me. I'm only three years old with the company, and to me, Partners has always been this distant kind of thing that was for CMs who'd been around for forever and knew Disney stuff inside and out. It was for leaders, both official and unofficial... for those amazing people that everybody knows, even if you've never worked with them, because they are just that great. Not something dinky little me should be nominated for. My dad's been nommed three times and hasn't received it, and he seemed to think it was cute I'd been nommed and flat-out told me that people never get it the first time. It's a sort of lengthy little process... after you get nommed, several people rate you and write mini-essays about you and such, and from there the numbers/essays go to an anonymous panel of some kind... and it's all just very mind-boggling to think about.
Well... I got it? And I honestly don't know what to do about it! It's still completely surreal to me. I'm SO amazingly honored that my peers and leaders think enough of me to find me deserving of something like this, and it makes me giddy! But at the same time, I personally don't feel I deserve it... I feel like it's an honor I'm still aspiring to even begin to deserve! I guess I just feel that I still have so much growing as both a Cast Member and as an individual to do... too much to warrant something so amazing at this point in my life. I think some people I work with have viewed this as my being ungrateful, which isn't at all the case... I am SO, so exceptionally thrilled and humbled and amazed to know that the people I work with view me in such a way, but at the same time, I want to be 300% sure that I really am portraying the kind of work ethic and attitude that someone who wears the Partners pin should portray. Yeah, I get a special pin for my nametag. I hadn't put it in... until Friday, and truthfully, the only reason I did then was because that day at work, two people I don't even know asked me why I wasn't wearing it. MEEP! How do they know?! Going tow ork each days since has been ten levels of awkward for me, simply because this intimidating little pin has made me even MORE conscious of how I'm acting.

I also got a really wonderful certificate in this gorgeous leather folder/case thingie... Not gonna lie, I flat-out told everyone it means more to me than my diploma, regardless of the fact that the latter is certainly the more expensive piece of paper. I still... just can't even get over it.

Also, anybody by chance remember that potential publication I mentioned a while back that would be just within the company? I don't recall if I ever wrote about it again afterward, but for the longest while (nearly a year, in fact), it seemed my submission was going nowhere. I had heard I was published and I'd missed it, but nobody else seemed to know a thing about. Well, one day back in late July, I suddenly started getting all these congratulatory text messages and comments/e-mails about being famous, which I didn't understand until I opened the mailbox the next day and found my picture and PART of the article printed in a little booklet that came with one of our company mass mailings! UUUUUUUGH, so embarrassing! Every once in a while, it comes back to haunt me, but for the most part, all was forgotten a week later--thank Heaven! But in any case, I am now officially published--even if it only was in an inter-company mailing!

So, there's work. And play. And where I stand, with just four days between the two. What else is going on in my life? I could have sworn I'd written about this at some point (but I'm beginning to feel that the things I think I've written about of late are all in my head): my little sister is getting married! And not only do I get the privilege of being there to cheer her on as she starts yet another new adventure in her life, but I get to be there as her maid of honor!!! Me? Planning? Dressing up? Taking care of things and holding her steady? Well, aside from that last bit... I'm no good at any of it! Me, a maid of honor--Lord, I hope she knows what she's gotten herself into! Really, I couldn't be more excited for her if I tried. I feel so bubbly just thinking about it, and while the thought of all the things I need and want to do to make her day even more special are rather intimidating... I still can't wait for March to arrive so I can revel in her (their) happiness and joy!

Umm, let's see... as regards the nerdy side of my life:

--- I've totally been listening to Christmas music for about two weeks now. Yes, I've been verbally beaten over this. Flame if you must, but it's my choice, and I'm enjoying it. HEE!

--- I did read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I loathed it. I intend to reread it soon so I can determine whether or not I really loathed it or was just excessively let down, but as of now, there was really no part of it that I particularly enjoyed (even WITH one of my major predictions coming true), and at present, I'd rather pretend book seven never happened.

--- SGA ON DVD!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why, yes, yes, I did spend unnecessary amounts of money the last time I went into Best Buy. I had no idea they were finally out! I just bought S1, but I have a feeling I'll be back for S2 once I feel I've made a sufficient amount of money to cover the expense. :D Unfortunately, this just reminds me how bummed I am that I missed the ending of SG1 and have no clue how things wrapped up.

--- On the movie front: I loathed At World's End. But the soundtrack makes up for that. I liked Spiderman 3. I need to see it again before I determine whether this was due to the company I had while seeing it or my overall enjoyment of the movie itself. I almost loved Order of the Phoenix. I at least wasn't disgusted with it. I loved Ratatouille. I loved the short in front of Ratatouille even more. I really, really loved Meet the Robinsons. Yes, it's predictable; it's a Disney movie, people. I know I should wax poetic about the plotholes, but somehow the thought of traveling in bubbles overrules that. Besides, had the entire movie been a mishmash of unintelligible nothings, I still would have loved it simply for the last few seconds of film, over which my inner Disney fangirl squeed. My exterior Disney fangirl went, "oh, oooh, ooooooooh awww!" out loud in the theater and promptly burst into tears. Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap. I've yet to see Becoming Jane, Transformers, Fantastic Four 2, and a slew of others I wanted to see. I'm looking forward to Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium and Enchanted.

--- October 1st was EPCOT's silver anniversary, and I, by some blessed coincidence, happened to get that day off! Words cannot describe my glee. I don't know if I can accurately describe to anyone here what a big deal this was for me. EPCOT is the park I remember most from my childhood visits. It's the first park my parents let me roam around in by myself, and so many amazing parts of my life have taken place there (both recently and in the past), so it's a very nostalgic place for me. Thankfully, I have a few friends out here who feel the very same way and were willing to spend the ENTIRE day there with me. I'm extremely tempted to say this was the best day of my life. There were amazing festivities, like a rededication ceremony (that of course made me cry), a special fireworks tag (which could have been oh-so-much-more amazing, but I won't nitpick), and BEST OF ALL, classic EPCOT music from old attractions and past themes playing all day! We spent so much of the day just walking in circles like idiots, singing along, and being completely and childishly giddy, and at the end of the night had the most AMAZING experience thanks to a really wonderful Cast Member, the results of which involved us not leaving the park that closes at 9 every night until well after midnight. HEE. I am silent, secretive, and still overjoyed at the wonderfulness of the day.

As regards serious issues in my life: my grammy's last surgery check-up apparently showed some kind of anomaly on the other side of her chest? Still waiting on a follow-up exam and then results to find out if it's back. So tired of waiting. What if waiting from the first time around gave THIS time to spread? Shouldn't something that can grow out of control this quickly be taken care of more quickly?

And you know, as much as people have been harping on me about "forgetting Thanksgiving" and "giving in to marketing pressure" by embracing my dear Christmas music "too soon," that does not negate the fact that the holidays are fast approaching, and I haven't come up with a single answer to that ever intimidating search for the perfect Christmas gifts for my loved ones! Meeeeeeeeep! I'm so used to just being out and about and seeing all those perfect little goodies that planning in advance hardly ever works for me these days. Alas. :( I need to think, and think fast.

There are other things I so badly need and/or want to write about... but I think I'll save them for another day.

Hugs and bubbles! MWAH!
<3

"Our Hearts are a Bubble-maker's Dream"

2007-10-29T01:32:22Z

I think the trickiest thing about loving everybody is that loving everyone means it hurts more when people--even the barest of acquaintances--drift out of our lives. And the funny thing about this thought is that something I adore in a giddy, childish way made of think of it.

Last night I didn't want to sleep. At all. So I sat in my room blowing bubbles and wondering what on earth is so fascinating about bubbles that would make me choose to play with them instead of actually resting (although now that I think of it, maybe it was less the wonderfulness of the bubbles and more the fact that the whole sleeping thing was not at all desirable for whatever reason at that time). I don't remember loving bubbles, or even playing with them much, as a child. (Then again, I still consider myself a child in most respects.)

I'm shaking now and can't really figure out why.

Honestly, I think it was more just that I wanted to cry for no apparant (and yet a somewhat partially apparant) reason, so I thought of the most wonderful, happy-inducing thing I could think of, which just so happened to be blowing bubbles. So I blew some bubbles and got to wondering why I love them so much and when, exactly, I started to do so. Instead of finding an answer to either question, I just ended up with this:

They're so darn fragile. And I find myself following the ones that drift the furtherst away. I want to see how far they can go before something or someone intervenes. I want to feel like, instead of popping, they actually drift higher and higher into the sky until they're beyond my sight, somewhere that they become invincible to everything else except the tug of a breeze that will carry them somewhere their creators didn't even dream of when breathing them into existence. So even though they're so ridiculously fragile, I think I clutch at this idea that there is strength in their escape from all the outside things that would destroy them. I think that's why the ones that fly away beyond my sight are so mesmerizing to me.

God, I still kind of want to cry.

The bittersweet... well, they fill me up with such joy when they're around, and even in their destruction, which should be so full of sadness, they bring happiness to others. Whether we try to catch them, pop them, or just stare until they encounter something that breaks them, we enjoy their existence and even relish the beauty of their demise. Does that make us awful? Are we awful individuals because we enjoy this kind of representational death? We control the fates of each bubble--though each would ultimately meet its own end, we enjoy choosing how, when, and where they face those ends. Is that symbollic, somehow, of our desires to control our own lives and those of the people around us... and if that's the case, does that in its own innocently childish way show how controlling, destructive, and unaccepting we are?

I think my problem with enjoying my bubbles right now is this: right now, they make me think of people and times that are beginning to drift (or have already drifted) away. I've lost a lot of people to my bubbles. Not TO them, really, but during them... around them... in a way that relates and oddly connects them. So are my bubbles like the people in my life? They drift in and out, and some struggle on longer than others, but ultimately they are all carried away or broken, and I'm left standing there with an empty wand and just a little bit less motivation to keep going. Are my relationships with other people just as fragile as the bubbles that make me think of them? Even the ones that survive end up floating far beyond my grasp, somewhere that I can't see or follow.

There is garbage and gloriousness in my life right now... and really, most of it is wonderful. I just miss some people so, so much right now, and I feel like I'm starving for some kind of connection (or reconnection) to make the disconnections less painful. I feel like I need a good cry to get the garbage part out... but I've forgotten how. Can I still blame that on ten years ago? Seems childish to, but it's the most sensible answer I can form. I should talk about these things. Garbage and gloriousness. Instead of rambling about bubbles in an incoherent and ungrammatical fashion.

Some bubbles are in such a hurry to move on, so rushed they break themselves open before they've made it anywhere far. Some linger, drift, don't move too much... until they've hovered so long that you've forgotten to see them and only manage the briefest of glimpses every now and then until they inevitably vanish from sight. Which ones are more painful? What does that mean?

<3

Turns out I had no idea how to spell "aficionado."

2007-06-04T18:19:44Z

Baaaah, I have like no motivation whatsoever, and I neeeeed to get up and go run some errands. Neeeeed to go buy shoes, because my work shoes are falling apart (not joking) and hurt my feet now. Disney eats shoes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and it's hard as all get out to find a solid black pair with no obvious logos on them these days. Plus, I just dislike shoe shopping in general. No motivation. Neeeeeed to get groceries, because there is no food that I will eat in this house. Except ramen. Ramen is almost love. Ramen is not love because one can never have too much love, but I am living proof that one can have far, far too much ramen. But grocery shopping involves getting up and putting on shoes and first going shoe shopping, which I dislike in general. No motivation. Neeeeeeed to go to the Verizon store and ask about switching phones in. Yes, family has switched to Verizon. Yes, I FINALLY, FINALLY have signal inside my room. Yes, I picked a phone that I don't like. Must find out whether I can switch over in the store or if I have to mail this one back and get a new one because I get a lovely little discount from the Mouse that is nice but also complicated since they can't honor it in-store. But going to ask involves getting up and putting on shoes and first going shoe shopping, which I dislike in general. No motivation.

I also just really want to go to Barnes and Noble and treat myself.

These past few weeks have been emotionally tough. I don't like saying goodbye to people, and I would say I hadn't said goodbye because I technically haven't, but the fact that the opportunity for goodbyes was stolen from me and that the phone hasn't rung and the text alert hasn't blung says that goodbyes weren't as important for some as they were for me, and it hurts, and in turn designates an unspoken goodbye that's of a completely different nature than what I would have hoped for. And I want to get up and not sit here and wait for the phone that I don't like to ring or bling, but running errands by oneself is so blah and full of too much time to think instead of mindlessly chatter with friends and still involves getting up and putting shoes on and first going shoe shopping (which I dislike in general) with just myself and my thoughts, and that's maybe too much. No motivation.

I scrubbed in the shower today, and now I feel all smooth and girly. With no motivation.

My grammy's doing well, and I want to thank everyone who sent good thoughts and/or prayers her way. I do fully believe in the power of positive thinking and can't share with words how much I appreciate the support. :) Her results were good, very good, and her recovery has been better than expected.

And I keep looking at the phone I don't like and really should get up to go find out how to exchange it. How annoying.

There are more to come. Goodbyes, that is. Some I wasn't expecting and don't know if I can handle. Maybe stolen opportunities work better, even if they hurt more.

WE FINALLY HAVE A SHORTS OPTION AT WORK! *collapses* Everyone else, everyone else who works outside has a shorts (or skirts) option, and it's about time the dreamers had some, too! And despite the fact that I have sworn never to wear shorts in public, good LORD it is hot out there, and I can hardly stand the week we must now wait before checking out our shorts from costuming and being FREEEEEEE of pants. Besides, it will serve as my final victory against all those who laugh in my face when I tell them how tan I am. Bwahahahahahahaha. Just wait, wait and be blinded by the sickening whiteness!

I finally saw At World's End Saturday night. Meh. I have come to a fork in the reactional road: I shall either pretend neither sequel ever happened and that they left well enough alone, or I shall write my own part three that satisfies my inner wannabe-writer. The latter if I ever find my motivation. Jerry, Jerry, Jerry... how you've let me down.

I want tea. But I'm afraid that if I get up to make it, I'll feel guilty for not getting up to run the errands I neeeeeeeeed to run. Guilt isn't fun. I don't welcome it. So I'll sit and be thirsty.

Unfortunately, I'm also antsy and for some reason can't sit here any more. So I'll get up and deal with the guilt... or just put on shoes and and climb into the car and suck it up and go shoe shopping and still wait for the phone I don't like to ring and bling because I'll have nothing else to think about and no one to chatter with and distract me from the fact that I was never motivated to get up to begin with.

(May the teeming hoards of grammar aficionados swarm down upon my head for this. HEE.) :D

MWAH!
<3

This is really long. Sherbet?

2007-05-20T20:47:57Z

I feel emotionally pukey today. Like, earlier, I just wanted to cry. I didn't, but I wanted to. And what I thought I wanted to cry about turned out not to be the reason I wanted to cry, at least not the whole reason I wanted to cry... and that's a very perplexing thing. I don't think it's PMS, but then I should have had a period about two weeks ago, so who knows? So now I'm just guzzling herbal tea and am so glad herbal caffeine-free tea exists and wondering why on earth I love raspberry flavored tea when I don't at all enjoy raspberries in any other way, shape, or form, including sherbet. This is also a very perplexing thing.

It was kind of unofficially (yet sort of officially; sooo confusing) announced at work this past week that those of us who have been dreaming from the beginning will be sent back to our old locations by July 1. I don't understand how this is possible, because my team is so short-staffed. We'll see, but in the meantime, both my managers have been pushing me to look into other avenues, which leads me to believe that it's more official than it seems that June 30 will likely be my last day on Dream Squad. Well, at least I'll be able to say I was there for more than half of the Year of a Million Dreams? (I'm trying to appear to be very positive about this revelation, but truly, I want to climb a mountain and scream out loud that this sucks mud bunnies.)

But I guess I've made an impression on some of the folks I've assisted up at Main Entrace of our park, because one of the coordinators there called me post-haste yesterday to encourage me to apply to be a park greeter (the people that work the funny machines that let you into the park). That's back to an hourly role, which means back to making next-to-no money, but... there's some very conceited part of me that wants to take it on pure fact that this is actually a group of people that wants me there, as opposed to me fighting to get something. And I already know and love the group of people (not to mention the leaders) I'd be working with, so that's a plus. I don't want to be in a new location (or back at Emp, which is now home to a group of CMs I don't even know) for my 3-year anni on July 13.

It's also that glorious time of year (again) when some of our CPs leave. I'm full of sad bunnies. :( I've gotten very attached to some of them this time around (again). I always do. (Someday I'll learn.)

I'm falling a lot harder than I really wanted to. I keep trying to convince myself that this is friendship and that's all, because otherwise it's a lot more complicated than I want it to be. I'm sure it's just friendship. I'm pretty sure it's just friendship. Pretty sure.

Finally saw Spiderman 3 on Thursday night. I guess the general social concensus is that it sucked? I rather enjoyed it. Ending seemed a little weak for the would-be end of a trilogy, but other than that and one or two little things, it was a good movie. Kicked over X3 as a third segment comic adaptation, that's for sure! Also, the previews for F4 actually looked pretty awesome! :D

After the movie, a friend and I hung around talking (nerd talk! GLEE!) in the parking lot for a couple hours. We were parked pretty far apart, so we just stood out in the middle of the lot between our cars. At some point, these random guys who'd been sitting in their car for a while climbed out and went over to Rodney and started tapping on the windows and pulling all the handles. I'm amazed that I had the backbone to call over for them to step off. They acted all innocent like they didn't know it wasn't their car, but they sped off pretty fast after I called them on it. Not gonna lie--that was pretty scary. And I realized afterward that even when I was telling (um, asking?) them to get away from my car, I said please and thank you. *facepalm*

Speaking of car adventures: Tuesday, on my way home from work, I missed my merge on World Dr. because people are meeaaaaan. I got stuck heading toward the interstate and absolutely panicked, pulled off at the next possible exit, and got completely, mind-numbingly lost. I got home about two hours later and had a Dr. Pepper and bag of chocolate for dinner. Oh yes. I broke my no-soda rule, and I broke it badly. The good news is that I felt so horrible all night and the next day (with no sleep and massive caffeine shakes) that I'm fairly positive I will never break that rule again. :D

I really, really want to reread all the HP books before this final one comes out (which I really need to go preorder like, now). This is my last chance to enjoy everything without knowing all the answers. I just don't know when I'm going to make the time to do it, especially since I've lent SS to someone and haven't a clue when to expect it back.

Grammy's surgery is this Thursday. It's been over a month since they found it. Why do these things work so slowly when the problem itself can spread so quickly? It makes no sense.

Love.
<3

"I gotta keep quiet, quiet, don't let it all come undone"

2007-05-03T02:23:20Z

God, I've felt so ridiculously restless today. I know why I've felt this way, not just today, but for a while now... but I'm not willing to take those oh-so-simple steps to get my thoughts back in order. Go figure. I'm trying too hard to be in control and figure things out on my own. That's the problem, and I know it. Just need to drop the reigns, and things will work out, I'm sure. Unfortunately, it's more the doing than the knowing that's the problem.

I've also cared a lot more about certain things lately than I really should. Things that I know should mean nothing seem to carry more weight than is logical. I caught myself feeling all agitated about something that would never have bothered me if I hadn't read more into a prior situation than necessary. I'm letting society's ideas about how one should live affect how I choose to live, and that's a problem. Probably another one I could catch on the way down if I'd just LET GO. But for some reason, I feel physically incapable of doing such a completely intangible thing. Procrastinating again. Wait until tomorrow; give it over then. This isn't going to cut it for much longer, and eventually I've got to figure that out, or I'm going to slam head-first into a wall pretty soon.

Some things are about to end. It's just that time of year again, but it still hits me with a fresh wave of pain and nostalgia every time.

So, it's been four months. It feels like longer. And it still hasn't set in. It's still so unreal. Is that normal? I should go into his room. That would do it, I bet. Is there something wrong with the fact that I just avoid that part of the house whenever I visit?

My grandmother has breast cancer.

I'm writing myself into a spiral.

I'm finding more and more that what I perceive to be closeness, or what I want to be closeness, is really distance. That's a depressing realization. Is it me, or is it the other person? That's what I want to ask when I feel it.

This is really only a spell. I don't know why suddenly today I'm not feeling a hundred percent. It puts a twist on every perspective you have, being in this sort of mood. I know it will pass soon. Doesn't mean the problem I mentioned is solved, but I can work on that more gradually, I suppose. :)

Might be upgrading phones, soon. The charger on my phone completely died on me a couple months ago. Thankfully, Mom and I use the same model, so we've been taking turns with her charger, since T-Mobile doesn't make one that will fit our ancient phones anymore. Soo... any good recommendations, or warnings of what to stay away from? I want something with a long battery life, since I'm usually away from home with my phone on upwards of 12 hours a day.

I want to see Spiderman 3 sometime this week. I work early on Friday, so there's no chance of making a midnight show tomorrow night. Maybe Friday after work... if I can catch an early enough showing. Depends on if anyone I know wants to go with. If not, I'll pry just put it off 'til early next week.

I miss being able to wake up slowly. I don't remember my dreams when I wake up in a rush to get ready for work. I know I've had some lately, but they get lost somewhere between my pillow and the mad-dash toward the bathroom to brush my teeth. :D

Kay, done now.
Love ya! MWAH!
<3

I haven't used this icon in far too long!

2007-04-01T18:11:24Z

Where to begin with things going on in my life?

A couple of Tuesdays ago, I was involved in my first car "accident." I use quotation marks because I was "rear ended" hard enough to jerk me, but not badly enough to do a lick of damage, which is good, because now my insurance won't go up. It's already high enough as it is. :D But I was (I think understandably) terrified and admittedly panicked a bit at first.

Then last night, this SUV starts coming over into my lane without signaling. ON TOP OF ME. I couldn't go anywhere because there was a car to my right. I swerved over as far as I could and honked the horn (which still makes me feel mean), then just sped up. This turned out to be a good thing, because he just kept coming over.

Driving in my area is getting utterly ridiculous.

Also over the last two weeks, one of my managers called me into her office and told me about a TA position that had come up in one of our VP's offices... writing! She was thrilled for some reason and wanted all my writing background to forward along to get my name in the door. At first, I was pretty skeptical. I doubted someone in my position could get something like that among all the other more skilled applicants, and I really don't have any intention of leaving DS before I'm told to. I didn't have the heart to tell my manager this, though, because she was so excited about it! Still, things went further than I expected them to, in that said manager was actually contacted to pass along my contact info to the VP's secretary so they cold call me. Meep! I actually got a bit excited myself, but all things work out the way they should--the position was filled the very next day by someone with a background in communications. My poor manager felt so awful about getting my hopes up, but I'm actually glad things turned out the way they did. Writing or not, that would have been a desk-job away from the Guests, and I would probably not have liked it. It's nice to know that one of my leaders thinks highly enough of me to go to those lengths to get my name out there, though... and that my name did get that far up the ladder. :)

The specific manager I mentioned has been confiding in me a lot lately, which has been a somewhat pleasant surprise. It's nice to know that she trusts me enough to want to share things with me that she might otherwise keep bottled up. It's a nice change from my other manager, who I have a hard time reading and really have no clue what he thinks of me! Actually, a lot of people have been sharing things with me lately that they've specifically asked me to please keep just between us. Do I exude some kind of gift for secrecy? I would never betray any of their confidences, but I am curious why this is coming up so much, especially just recently.

Well, I was able to help award the Cinderella Castle Suite for the second time a couple of weeks ago! (The same day as my "accident" actually.) I know I never wrote about the first time I was able to, but it happened right around the time of some other icky things that I didn't feel like writing about, and getting the motivation or the time to talk about it was tricky. I still intend to backlog that story, because it was incredible! This one was pretty awesome, too--the winner and his party was from Baton Rouge! WOO for Louisiana! But the situation was a little crazy, because he was a teacher/chaperone for a school trip with NO family there with him! So the poor guy was at a loss! Not being able to invite his family, he was stuck having to pick and choose from the party he was with, which was further complicated by the fact that he couldn't very well invite all the other chaperones; couldn't (for depressing, yet obvious, reasons) invite any of his female students; and couldn't invite any students whatsoever under 18 because none of the students' parents were there to fill out the legal paperwork stuff. At first, it was such a mess! But he finally drudged a group together that fit the legal criteria... so, yes, five grown males DID in fact stay in the Cinderella Castle Suite. :D Lord, it still cracks me up.

Apparently Stargate SG-1 has ended. Well, poodlesticks! I had no idea. I'm not sure when I last watched it. I didn't even know new eps were out. I need to figure out a way to catch up so I can see the end and sob uncontrollably about the fact that it's over even though I was ready for it to end, the same way I cried after the credits of Return of the King and the same way I will likely cry on July 22.

I. Am such. A dork.

Speaking of, I could use some OotP and/or Deathly Hallows icons.

Oh, I made a quizzie thing like FOREVER and a day ago and never shared the link.

Create your own Friend Quiz here

There were potentially other things I intended to write about here, but for now, I'm just going to go do chores and prep my room for painting. Yep, the green that's been half-done in my room for over a year now is going back to white. Because yep, we are in fact going to try to sell the house and move closer to work. GLEE!

Love y'all! MWAH!

Here's the thing...

2007-01-21T19:52:19Z

I've fallen ridiculously out of touch with everyone I care about but don't see on a daily basis. Well, that's about to stop. I've already e-mailed a few of you whose e-mail addresses I had saved in my address book, but as for the rest of you... I MISS YOU! And I know it's my own silly fault. So here's what I'm hoping... it would be silly of me to contact any of you without having the foggiest idea of what's going on in your lives, and unfortunately I would never be able to catch up with the few months' worth of all of your journal entries enough to get that foggy idea. So... pretend we're meeting again for the first time, and tell me all your life stories! :D Or just comment here and/or e-mail me and ramble about anything and everything that you'd ever care to discuss with me. Or in the very least, let me know what you've been up to and nutshell the last few months of your life for me so I can pretend that I haven't fallen off the face of the earth 'til now! :)

Love y'all! MWAH!
<3

The first time I've seen sunshine in over a week!

2007-01-20T03:30:09Z

So. Sunburned. Weeeeee!

It's entirely possible that I've done this before, but I'm still curious, so... if you're totally bored, click on these and tell me what you think of me?

Johari & Nohari.

I'm really only posting so as to have something here from, you know, this YEAR. Hee.

Truthfully, I haven't felt much like writing lately. It's odd. It's like I want to give voice to my thoughts, but when I think about writing, I decide it's not worth it to record what I'm thinking for later recollection instead of just letting things pass away or remain as my brain so chooses. It makes me feel a bit more detached, though, to not ground my daily comings and goings in writing. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing. But the fact that I don't feel like writing means that I'm not commenting, either, though I've been reading almost everything that crops up. I'm so sorry for being such a horrid and neglecting friend. :(

The other half of the coin is that I've really almost been too busy to visit here, anyway.

I had other things to write about... but again, I don't feel up to it.

But I love y'all oodles! MWAH!
<3

I am not an imbecile!

2006-12-31T02:40:42Z

Heeeeeee it's almost 2007! That's incredible! I feel like it's been so long ago that I finished school and got on with my life... but at the same time, not long enough for it to be an entirely new year already. The passage of time can be so disorienting.

I picked up shifts both tomorrow and New Years Day, so in case I don't get another chance: Happy New Year to you!!! I hope it's glorious and filled with hope, love, and happiness. :)

My new year begins with my mother calling me an imbecile for picking up said shifts (Sunday and Monday are my days off, so working both means working 12 days straight). I can't help it. I adore working holidays, and I missed working Christmas and Christmas Eve this year. Plus, the parks are insane this time of year. Extra help is never a bad thing, and I thrive on this kind of rush. It reminds me of working Emporium. :D

So the most wonderful thing happened to me today that made me cry. (Luckily I was indoors at an attraction, and it was dark, so I doubt anyone could tell.) While waiting to hand out a prize, this couple coming off the attraction approached some of my teammates and me and told us how much they appreciated all our hard work, especially during the busy holiday season, and that they wanted a picture of us to put up on their website for a CM 2006 tribute later in January. Then they gave us the cutest little buttons (scroll down to the one that says "Florida Disney - December 2006") and cards with their website and told us the magic they were hoping to spread to us was simply a return of the magic we and everyone else shared with them each time they visited. I pretty much burst into tears, and the woman (Rachael) ran over to hug me, then she AND her hubby hugged all of the rest of us. I about died. If you go to their main site and scroll down to their tribute to Orlando CMs '05, you can see a ton of the people that I now work and have worked with! :D The fact that they have taken so much time to make a little tribute like this fills me with all kinds of bubbly-over joy! :D :D :D I still want to cry when I think about it.

Part of the DAK DS's mission this holiday has been to help out in other areas to alleviate some of the burden of all the extra visitation and make not only the Guests' experiences a little smoother, but to ease the pressure on our fellow CMs stuck in various locations like food and beverage, merch, attractions, and so forth. Since our jobs are so free-roaming, it's easy for us to pick up the little jobs that don't require extra training to allow other CMs to do their more difficult tasks more efficiently. One such opportunity popped up for me yesterday--I went out into the parking lot to help turn away Guests when AK reached capacity and temporarily closed. :D :D :D What a rush. My gosh, do people get upset! Honestly, I think my manager tried to save me by sticking me way in the back of the line where I didn't have too many Guest encounters. But I was nearly run over by someone trying to hurry around the cones we'd set up who then threatened to call her lawyer (haha, good luck with that) when we stopped her anyway. I feel terrible that we had to do something like that, but I wish people would just understand that our turning them away is a good thing, because going into the park, they'd just be unhappy with how busy and congested it was. Anyhow, like I said, it wasn't too hard on me. I think they were all really worried that I couldn't cut it. I found out later that the rest of my teammates, upon hearing where I'd gone, were all extremely shocked and kept talking about how I'm the last person on the face of the earth that they'd have expected to go out there. "Little Erin" as they put it. ;p I'm a big girl! I can handle this! Or rather, I could have if I'd actually had to. They clearly don't know what it's like to work merch for the holidays. :3 I now feel the need to prove myself somehow--not that I'm asking for super-drama conflict or anything. But anyhow. :)

The day before that, all the DS greeters were sent out to the bus stops to deter Guests from attempting to visit MK when it, too, closed for a period. It's been a rather interesting holiday season. XD I love it! I'm so looking forward to the next two days, though. For every disgruntled Guest I tend to encounter, I also meet another who is so excited to be with us for the holidays, no matter the crowds or wait times, and it's so wonderful to just be able to randomly shout "Happy New Year!" or "Happy holidays!" across the park at the people you can tell are jazzed to be out there in the chaos with us! :D And these should be fantastic days to greet, because there will be loads of people just sitting around trying to figure out what the heck they can do without waiting in line for two hours. And me? I will be able to tell them just that. XD XD XD I love my job.

Even though I'm pretty sure I have nothing whatsoever to worry about with someone (there's been enough hinting about it that I feel almost 100% sure by now), I still got ridiculously nervous about the situation. Stupid inexplicable phobias. It makes me feel so stupid sometimes the way these things get to me when they really shouldn't. And that's all. :)

MWAH! Happy New Year everyone!
Love ya oodles and oodles!
<3

Convicted

2006-12-27T03:43:15Z

I forgot to mention in my last post that anyone who watched the Walt Disney World Christmas Day Parade on ABC might have seen me (I missed the first half of it, so I'm not sure) and definitely saw a whole bunch of my teammates in all those YoMD montages. :D One of my teammates recorded it and is going to copy it for us soon, so I'll know for sure eventually. :)

I think I've been down this road before, but here goes: I'm done with being bitter and gossippy at work. I'm forgetting everything that I learned during high school and college and the person that I grew into from those years because suddenly my work environment has become a middle school drama. And I'm done with it. I'm not even going to bother trying to find a niche (insert nifty accent where necessary) anymore. I've decided to flippin carve my own, and if I'm doing my job and happy in that niche, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of it. The end. I've been caving into the gossip and the drama just because I don't want to be cut out of any of the clicks that are forming, and I'm done with it. If I have to isolate myself to avoid it, fine. I will. I got called on it tonight by one of my new teammates, and I'm done with it. I refuse to be that source of negative energy. I want to be the person I was when I was working at Emp. and reflect the same standards I did there so I can be content with the fact that I am doing exactly what all my leaders there worked so hard to get me here for. So I'm done with all the drama, starting tomorrow, and no looking back. Maybe this is my early resolution for 2007. But why should I put it off to the new year when it would be so much better to end this one on a better note? So if anyone out there doesn't mind sending a happy thought or a prayer out, I could definitely use the support to reclaim and maintain the strength of character I lost somewhere along the way.

Annnnnd now it's time to crash.
I hope everyone enjoyed their day today! Write me and tell me about it instead of responding to anything here, okay? :D

Love and miss y'all! MWAH!
<3

This is an odd day to be playing catch up...

2006-12-25T05:13:26Z

Let me start with wishes: Merry Christmas to everyone who cares to celebrate, and a blessed, wonderful day to everyone who doesn't! Whatever day your holiday falls upon or whatever type of season it brings (including birthdays, Chan-chan!), I hope it's been and will continue to be wonderful! :)

Things have been a little wild lately, in both good ways and bad. Work has consumed my entire life--not because of what I do, but because of how far I have to drive every day. I really do leave my house before dawn and get home after dark in time to mope around for about an hour before I crash. Things regarding interpersonal relationships between my team continue to grow more complicated. I don't want to be antisocial, but I can tell that if I want to stay happy doing what I'm doing, I'm going to have to restrict myself to minimal contact with them and focus on spending most, if not all, of my time out with the Guests. It's become way too draining to spend my time trying to figure them out and stay friendly regardless of how they treat each other or me. The good news is that it seems I'm still going to have this job at least until January; we were told not long ago that we could be leaving as early as the first week of December, but the second wave of DS CMs have already joined our team. It will be interesting to see if management has only kept us around long enough to train our new teammates or if we really will all be here until the next posting in March. A "pool" was created from the last bunch that were interviewed in November, and those CMs are all gauranteed a position on the team at some point during the next twelve months... so we'll see! I've (mostly) given up trying to pick these things apart. If I'm meant to stay here, I will. If I'm meant to move on, that'll happen, instead. And there's no sense in me getting worked up over everything in the meantime. Easier said than done, but I'm working on it. :)

We had a global team party last week that was... less than comfortable for someone like me, but I attended, anyway. It's the first time since training in September that most of the Dream Squad was together in one room! But very little was done in the way of commemorating the team--no huge group pictures or anything like that, I mean. And in terms of comfort, well, I knew when I read "no jeans, please" that it wasn't going to be my kind of party. The sentiment of giving us a celebration at all was nice, but I guess I'm just not one for formal socializing.

I could elaborate on so much of this... but that's the gist of it.

Although one really amazing thing happened at work last week. I hinted at it in another entry that I never finished and will eventually be backlogged, but... It looks like I may be published for the first time ever pretty soon! :D :D :D It's actually not a really huge deal (just a tiny little thing), and it'll only be available within company communication. A CM from one of our company news publications approached some of my leaders about getting a first person perspective piece on what the job's been like so far and etc. My manager, knowing my background and interests, shared the opportunity with me. So of course I wrote it and sent it along, but I didn't get my hopes up because I assumed the opportunity had been shared with the other parks' teams, also. The odds of me being the only one to send something along seemed pretty slim, let alone the odds of my piece being chosen over someone else's. Well, very shortly after I'd sent it back to my manager, I was copied on replies--very good replies--from the person who had asked for it, and soon after that, the CM e-mailed me directly to ask to come meet with me. Turns out he wanted photos of me to go along with the piece when it comes out! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

I was so nervous. He followed me around for like an hour during one of my shifts and took about a million pictures. It was kinda painful, but he was really nice, so that made up for all the crazy picture-taking. While he was doing so, though, he explained some more about the issue that my stuff will be in... and also told me that it wouldn't actually be going in the WDW newsletter I thought it would be in, but rather a company-wide publication that reaches all our parks and subsidiaries, too. XD I was sort of bouncing around on clouds for the rest of the day. :D He told me he'd keep in touch and let me know when it's going to run and all sorts of things like that. The sucky thing is that I couldn't link it or anything when it comes out, since it's within the company. That whole confidentiality thing kind of mucks up the works. But I might toss what I wrote up on my writing journal at some point after I find out it's come out on paper.

And it gets even better... we got to talking about what he does and what my writing goals are, and he told me to keep in touch and e-mail him about visiting his offices sometime in January to do some shadowing in that area. Eeeeeeeeeeeee! I know I've said all along that I think I'd be miserable with a desk job that prevented me from interacting with the Guests, but... I dunno, something about the prospect felt very nice and exciting. It's just another "we'll see" sort of thing, I guess. :)

I'll probably think of something else I wanted to write about tomorrow and add it on here later. But for now, I'm done.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone! MWAH!

Loveya!
<3