Yeah, I totally googled that subject. Why are the difficult languages always the most appealing to me? Someday I'll learn Gaelic, probably as soon as I master Japanese. (Which basically translates to "just this side of NEVER.")
Anyway. I figured I'd save the other half of my epically long entry of epic longitude for another holiday, so Happy Saint Patrick's Day, Erin go Bragh, and pinches to all of you who dare not wear green today! Now, we are go for launch into Part 2 of this tragically long entry.
To start where I'd left off (regarding the decision about what to do post-stress test): apparently the cardiology office called to share my results while I was at work yesterday, but my mom neglected to tell me until 4:55. Though I called them right away, they'd already forwarded their calls to an answering service, which means no info on the results until Monday. Kind of lame, since I was hoping to wash my hands of that this week and make plans over the weekend for what to do next. I'm still not sure which is the best option and will take any and all suggestions/recommendations.
Speaking of Mom, she kind of shattered all my mental fortitude on Tuesday. She was in the room when my brother walked through and asked what I was doing home. I already wrote about what a gross Headache week I had last week, complete with dizzy spells, that caused me to miss both Saturday and Sunday of work. So I was basically home and Headachey for four days straight (with the stress test on Monday thrown in for kicks). When I reminded him of my days off, my brother said, "Oh. I thought you were off Saturday and Sunday." Apparently my mom thought it would be funny to joke, "No, she just always calls in on Saturdays. Sunday, too - unless she's hanging out with friends after work."
Talk about a verbal TKO.
You know, I spend EVERY WAKING MOMENT fearing that I am being judged for my BAD days based on my GOOD days. I'm AFRAID to have fun or enjoy myself on the RARE occasion that I actually have the energy and stamina to do so, because I'm AFRAID someone will use those moments against me when I'm falling apart from the pain. I constantly worry that people think I'm making this up, exaggerating the pain, or using it as an excuse when it's convenient. I wish people knew that I think about this... WORRY about this... all the time. And the fact that my own mother now thinks it's okay - funny, even - to insinuate that I just like to take time off? SO. VERY. HURTFUL.
All I could manage was to gape at her for a moment, then put my head down on my arms and tell her I was glad she found it so amusing. She said she didn't find it amusing and that she was sorry, but she said it with a smile and didn't respond when I replied, "You don't SOUND sorry." Then I silently cried a little and eventually wandered back into my room to suck it up. If I'd had ANY spare room in my brain for having some wits about me, I would have pointed out that, yeah, as I mentioned to Mom when I told her I was thinking of going part time at work, I have a VERY difficult time these days going out/working/being active more than three days in a row. Hm, what happens to be the fourth day of my work-week? SATURDAY. And YES, I do sometimes force myself to go to work on Sundays, even after a particularly bad Saturday home sick, JUST because I told friends I'd meet them after work. I USUALLY choose to do this when I've already cancelled plans with those friends and would feel bad cancelling again.
I've always been paranoid. I've always been insecure. Now there's this giant THING controlling my life that nobody can see or feel but me, and while everyone TELLS me they get it and don't hold it against me, I'm constantly terrified that they really do. If my own mother, who sees me at home, where I DON'T have to put up some kind of a front or a fake smile when the Headache has me at my absolute worst... if SHE can crack jokes about it like it's nothing, I find it impossible to believe that others aren't doing the same. Anyway, I didn't intend to blather so long about that, but it injured me pretty severely. It made me feel so very alone in my fight against the Monster. And I'm not over it, honestly - but it doesn't sting so much now as it did that day. I'll just be very cautious about what I share with her regarding my suffering in the future.
NOW! Onto other things! I'd made up my mind this past week that I was not going to enter April in the same job situation. I'd decided that I was going to get whatever doctor visits needed to happen out of the way, and if my transfer hadn't gone through by March 30, I'd ask to go part time on March 31. I had, at the time, most of the major visits done - optometrist in January and dentist two weeks ago. Then Mom threw the gynecologist at me, and we got to talking about my irregular cycle, something I've been "dealing with" for years upon years. I haven't been regular since at LEAST my late teens. Mom's convinced it must be hormone-related, but I'm pretty sure something like that would have shown up in my blood work. And I've had plenty of blood work done over the last two years. In all likelihood, if I ask any gyno about this, they are either going to tell me to lose weight or suggest birth control.
If I go on birth control, I probably have to keep my insurance, which means NOT changing my job status, right? When I said this to Mom, she had absolutely zero response. Less than helpful. (I should probably mention that all this happened well before the joke about my calling in.) After a while, I told her I don't like the idea of putting ANOTHER pill in my body that will just whack things up in there even more when we already can't figure out what the heck is wrong with me. She had no response for that, either. But she has maintained that she won't support me changing my job status until I see a gyno. So THAT needs to happen.
Then, of course, the stress test and the Question of What to Do Next came up. Now I'm (once again) hesitant to do anything that will affect my insurance. IF I choose to pursue any of the three things I wrote about in the last entry, I'll pretty much HAVE to have my insurance. And any of those three things will most likely push me into April and beyond in terms of appointments and doctor visits. I can't know for sure until Monday when I get the stress test results and when all these people/offices will open for me to call, but... it looks like two weeks isn't a feasible amount of time in which to accomplish all those things I need to do before I do something about the job.
Which depresses the HECK out of me. Guys. Really. How much is too much? I dread going in every day. I dread the drive there and the drive home. I hate my alarm for going off in the morning. I KNOW it's not going to be terribly much different if I do some menial job out here, ten minutes from home. But at least I'll be HERE, TEN MINUTES FROM HOME. At least I won't have deal with all the ridiculously loud, pirate-themed shouting we do all day. And I hate saying that, because I used to love this job, and part of me still does, SO MUCH. But I can't - CAN'T - do it anymore. Not with the Headache around. So I need to figure out how to make this happen. I need to figure out where I'm going to draw that line between being utterly miserable while I try to figure out the Headache and GETTING THE HECK OUT and forgetting about the hunt for Mr. Headache's Cause for a while.
And there's no right answer to that. The only answer is to keep doing as much as I can, to call in when I fail, to feel guilty and miserable and constantly judged when I do, and to endure the endless stream of doctor visits in hopes that one of them, SOME DAY, will fix the Headache so I can stop going to the doctor, stop feeling pain, stop feeling guilty and miserable and judged, and QUIT MY DANG JOB. (Someone please, please, please tell me this is not REALLY my only answer.)
A few days before my birthday, I tried to write a list that I headed Things I want out of life (over which I havesome control). The list went as follows:
So, there's that. And... yeah. There's that.
I'm not sure what else to write about, so there ya go! I promise, despite all this, that I'm in a really lovely mood tonight - just really stressed about these decisions I need to make.
♥
Anyway. I figured I'd save the other half of my epically long entry of epic longitude for another holiday, so Happy Saint Patrick's Day, Erin go Bragh, and pinches to all of you who dare not wear green today! Now, we are go for launch into Part 2 of this tragically long entry.
To start where I'd left off (regarding the decision about what to do post-stress test): apparently the cardiology office called to share my results while I was at work yesterday, but my mom neglected to tell me until 4:55. Though I called them right away, they'd already forwarded their calls to an answering service, which means no info on the results until Monday. Kind of lame, since I was hoping to wash my hands of that this week and make plans over the weekend for what to do next. I'm still not sure which is the best option and will take any and all suggestions/recommendations.
Speaking of Mom, she kind of shattered all my mental fortitude on Tuesday. She was in the room when my brother walked through and asked what I was doing home. I already wrote about what a gross Headache week I had last week, complete with dizzy spells, that caused me to miss both Saturday and Sunday of work. So I was basically home and Headachey for four days straight (with the stress test on Monday thrown in for kicks). When I reminded him of my days off, my brother said, "Oh. I thought you were off Saturday and Sunday." Apparently my mom thought it would be funny to joke, "No, she just always calls in on Saturdays. Sunday, too - unless she's hanging out with friends after work."
Talk about a verbal TKO.
You know, I spend EVERY WAKING MOMENT fearing that I am being judged for my BAD days based on my GOOD days. I'm AFRAID to have fun or enjoy myself on the RARE occasion that I actually have the energy and stamina to do so, because I'm AFRAID someone will use those moments against me when I'm falling apart from the pain. I constantly worry that people think I'm making this up, exaggerating the pain, or using it as an excuse when it's convenient. I wish people knew that I think about this... WORRY about this... all the time. And the fact that my own mother now thinks it's okay - funny, even - to insinuate that I just like to take time off? SO. VERY. HURTFUL.
All I could manage was to gape at her for a moment, then put my head down on my arms and tell her I was glad she found it so amusing. She said she didn't find it amusing and that she was sorry, but she said it with a smile and didn't respond when I replied, "You don't SOUND sorry." Then I silently cried a little and eventually wandered back into my room to suck it up. If I'd had ANY spare room in my brain for having some wits about me, I would have pointed out that, yeah, as I mentioned to Mom when I told her I was thinking of going part time at work, I have a VERY difficult time these days going out/working/being active more than three days in a row. Hm, what happens to be the fourth day of my work-week? SATURDAY. And YES, I do sometimes force myself to go to work on Sundays, even after a particularly bad Saturday home sick, JUST because I told friends I'd meet them after work. I USUALLY choose to do this when I've already cancelled plans with those friends and would feel bad cancelling again.
I've always been paranoid. I've always been insecure. Now there's this giant THING controlling my life that nobody can see or feel but me, and while everyone TELLS me they get it and don't hold it against me, I'm constantly terrified that they really do. If my own mother, who sees me at home, where I DON'T have to put up some kind of a front or a fake smile when the Headache has me at my absolute worst... if SHE can crack jokes about it like it's nothing, I find it impossible to believe that others aren't doing the same. Anyway, I didn't intend to blather so long about that, but it injured me pretty severely. It made me feel so very alone in my fight against the Monster. And I'm not over it, honestly - but it doesn't sting so much now as it did that day. I'll just be very cautious about what I share with her regarding my suffering in the future.
NOW! Onto other things! I'd made up my mind this past week that I was not going to enter April in the same job situation. I'd decided that I was going to get whatever doctor visits needed to happen out of the way, and if my transfer hadn't gone through by March 30, I'd ask to go part time on March 31. I had, at the time, most of the major visits done - optometrist in January and dentist two weeks ago. Then Mom threw the gynecologist at me, and we got to talking about my irregular cycle, something I've been "dealing with" for years upon years. I haven't been regular since at LEAST my late teens. Mom's convinced it must be hormone-related, but I'm pretty sure something like that would have shown up in my blood work. And I've had plenty of blood work done over the last two years. In all likelihood, if I ask any gyno about this, they are either going to tell me to lose weight or suggest birth control.
If I go on birth control, I probably have to keep my insurance, which means NOT changing my job status, right? When I said this to Mom, she had absolutely zero response. Less than helpful. (I should probably mention that all this happened well before the joke about my calling in.) After a while, I told her I don't like the idea of putting ANOTHER pill in my body that will just whack things up in there even more when we already can't figure out what the heck is wrong with me. She had no response for that, either. But she has maintained that she won't support me changing my job status until I see a gyno. So THAT needs to happen.
Then, of course, the stress test and the Question of What to Do Next came up. Now I'm (once again) hesitant to do anything that will affect my insurance. IF I choose to pursue any of the three things I wrote about in the last entry, I'll pretty much HAVE to have my insurance. And any of those three things will most likely push me into April and beyond in terms of appointments and doctor visits. I can't know for sure until Monday when I get the stress test results and when all these people/offices will open for me to call, but... it looks like two weeks isn't a feasible amount of time in which to accomplish all those things I need to do before I do something about the job.
Which depresses the HECK out of me. Guys. Really. How much is too much? I dread going in every day. I dread the drive there and the drive home. I hate my alarm for going off in the morning. I KNOW it's not going to be terribly much different if I do some menial job out here, ten minutes from home. But at least I'll be HERE, TEN MINUTES FROM HOME. At least I won't have deal with all the ridiculously loud, pirate-themed shouting we do all day. And I hate saying that, because I used to love this job, and part of me still does, SO MUCH. But I can't - CAN'T - do it anymore. Not with the Headache around. So I need to figure out how to make this happen. I need to figure out where I'm going to draw that line between being utterly miserable while I try to figure out the Headache and GETTING THE HECK OUT and forgetting about the hunt for Mr. Headache's Cause for a while.
And there's no right answer to that. The only answer is to keep doing as much as I can, to call in when I fail, to feel guilty and miserable and constantly judged when I do, and to endure the endless stream of doctor visits in hopes that one of them, SOME DAY, will fix the Headache so I can stop going to the doctor, stop feeling pain, stop feeling guilty and miserable and judged, and QUIT MY DANG JOB. (Someone please, please, please tell me this is not REALLY my only answer.)
A few days before my birthday, I tried to write a list that I headed Things I want out of life (over which I have
• to not have to drive so much
- closer job? - smaller town?
• to have more time for art
...closer job?
OMG I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WANT!!!!!!
(what else do I even put here because IDEK...)
♫ I want the world I want the whole world
I want to wrap it all up in my pocket ♪
(i mean, but really, no...)
• ...to live alone for a while?
• to travel/go on trips
So, there's that. And... yeah. There's that.
I'm not sure what else to write about, so there ya go! I promise, despite all this, that I'm in a really lovely mood tonight - just really stressed about these decisions I need to make.
♥
Feeling: 
frustrated
frustrated4 thoughts | What do you think?
