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03 November 2016 @ 07:07 pm
It always comes back to LiveJournal when I need a place to spew negative emotions.

The townhouse had become unlivable for me for a variety of reasons, so much so that when I approached the landlord about moving out, we both agreed it was no longer working. It's been a full week now that I've been back home with my parents, which is a positive step in that it will allow me to save some much-needed funds while getting me away from what had ultimately become a toxic situation. Insert sigh of relief. However, it also feels like a step backward. A retreat to the familiar in a dangerously cyclical way. A little bit like failure, if I'm honest. And I know this (or something, at least) is weighing heavily on me, because I've had a horrible nail-biting relapse. My worst since I originally stopped, in fact. I've bitten them down to the point it hurts, and I can't stop.

Unfortunately, I can't fathom why I started again in the first place. It was AFTER I was fully out of the townhouse and settled here at home.

I should be relaxed. I'm already getting better sleep. There shouldn't be as much stress. But there is. A constant tension, the source of which evades me.

And I feel so lonely right now. It feels so pathetic to admit that when I have two loving parents who welcomed me back home without question, but that doesn't make it any less true. Maybe because things seem to be moving backward for me
31 August 2016 @ 09:44 am
I woke up today with a very specific thought about Black Widow: what was REALLY so wrong with her character in Age of Ultron? (I watched several episodes of the Avengers: Assemble cartoon on Netflix before bed last night, just in case you NEED a logical reason for why I wake up thinking about superheroes and master assassins. In all honesty, though? This happens on the regular.)

Natasha's characterization in Age of Ultron was not my favorite thing ever (which is grounds for a whole other entry/essay I may write someday), but there are folks out there who were, and still are, livid about it. General consensus seems to be that Natasha's apparent feelings for a man on her team and her break-down over the fact that she can't have children are not only out of character for the super-spy, but that it somehow cheapens her by lessening the strength of her character. I've seen article after article trying to explain away her actions (it was all a play to further control the Hulk, for example) and even more condemning Joss Whedon for ruining a good character. To be blunt, there are folks out there with their feminist knickers in a knot over this, and I'm not quite sure WHY.

What's so wrong with having a mysterious and layered female character who, when she suffers a heavy blow, reflects on something she regrets? What's wrong with that same strong individual developing feelings for someone she spends a lot of time with--someone she not only respects, but also relates to? I do understand the frustration, because in one fell swoop, we see Black Widow associated with all the stereotypes women in fiction are usually reduced to: the (would-be) mother, the love interest, the damsel in distress. But in viewing these as negative, stereotypical "reductions" instead of further complications for an already-interesting and layered character, aren't we negating the possibility of a strong and layered character also being a mother? Also regretting her actions? Falling in love? Needing rescuing?

I went shopping yesterday for new work shoes and clothes. My sandals fell apart while I was out, which resulted in my buying not one pair of shoes, but three! For work, I generally hunt for dressy blouses, but in this case I happened to find two dresses, which is unusual for me. Dressing up is something I often avoid. When I got home and surveyed my haul, I shook my head, laughed, and texted a friend about it:

"I bought dresses today. And shoes. I feel too prissy."

Truth? As I typed those words out, I initially said "girly" in place of "prissy," and I did so with a curl on my lip that made me freeze. Why was I using the term "girly" in a negative light? Why did thinking of myself as girly cause my lip to curl? I changed the word to prissy, but even that doesn't sit well with me. Buying dresses and shoes are not negative things. Though they are unusual and somewhat out of character for me, sharing it should in no way cause detriment to my character. I am a complex individual, and I shouldn't be forced to avoid any activities or feel ashamed of sharing them just because they are stereotypes associated with my gender. Partaking of that stereotype doesn't erase who and what I already am.

Had we ever seen Natasha express romantic affection or regret over her inability to bear children before? No. Should she be forced to avoid those plot points in order to remain a complex and layered female character? No. And while others (including myself) may not have LOVED the path her character walked in Age of Ultron, I think we need to ask ourselves WHY we feel that way.

Take pause.

Are we just curling our lips because it's too "girly"?
24 August 2016 @ 10:45 pm
A crushing side effect to working in a place that promises an escape from reality is that reality, when it hits, hits HARD. My uncle died a few days ago. His funeral was tonight, but my leaders in my area were either unable or unwilling to give me the time off to make the trip home to Louisiana to attend. I have a lot of feelings about how the situation was handled, but none bear discussion right now. I was not at all close to this uncle. Couldn't even tell you the last time I saw him. What aches about his death is how much my aunt and cousins must be hurting and how desperately I wish I could give them all hugs right now.

And on an entirely selfish front, it makes the mortality of my own parents that much more frightening. Uncle Chip was younger than they are. He was my mom's baby sister's husband, and my mom is the eldest of seven.

I want to be surrounded by family right now. I want to be crying with them, then laughing at the ridiculous, hilarious, and stupid stories they tell as they reminisce. Instead I'm alone. I'm not laughing. I'm just sad and trying not to dwell on the fact that I've reached an age where this could soon become more commonplace.


And there are other things to share, too. To get my mind off things. I never wrote about my amazing trip to London and Paris. I should do that, eventually. But just before the trip, I injured myself at work when my hand slipped lifting a heavy load of drinks in the stock room. I whacked my wrist on the shelving unit, and the pain never went away. In fact, it seemed to get worse. A doctor at work diagnosed me with a bruised bone, and I've been wearing a wrist splint and even doing some occupational therapy for two months, now. Today I had another of multiple follow-ups with the doctor, who determined to send me to a specialist because he doesn't "know what else to do for me."

This is now the third time in my life those words have been spoken to me regarding my health. Twice for the Headache, which I've just learned to live with, and now for this. I can only hope hearing that phrase about my wrist pain doesn't turn out to be just as ominous and long-lasting.


I need to go to bed, but first I should write about happy things. Focus on the good, yeah?

Today I was invited to the wedding of one of my oldest friend's sister. It honored me to actual tears, because she's having a very tiny wedding. I was also invited to the wedding of an old work friend of mine, which I should probably RSVP to like a responsible adult-type person.

My roommate (who, not gonna sugarcoat it, I'd been having a hard time getting along with lately) brought me Dr. Pepper and candy tonight to help cheer me up a bit, which was a thoughtful gesture I didn't expect.

I met a sweet Guest this morning who told me a fun story about her pin collection when I commented on liking her lanyard. She'd thought she lost it on a vacation two years ago, but found it this trip tucked away in a hidden pocket of one of their bags! So I gave her a pin from my lanyard to contribute to her magical collection. She was just so happy and full of energy.

And the best piece of happy news: I am just four more days away to, after a month of six days, having a two-day weekend again! If I wasn't still quite sad and trying to slow down for bed, I'd break into a Tiana-style round of "Almost There!"


I will truthfully make an effort to write something more positive here in the near future.

Feeling: sadsad
25 January 2016 @ 12:24 pm
I just had a truly spectacular sleep, y'all: I went to bed at midnight with the sweet knowledge that no alarm clock was waking me up this morning. I woke up once at 6:45 and panicked for a second before remembering it was my day off. I woke up again at 8, mentally said "NOPE," and rolled back over. I only officially got up at 10:30. I'm still pretty tired, but oh man, this feels so glorious.

I earned it, though, considering I put in a 12-hour day yesterday. It's been a long, draining week between the resort and DU (and even a little bit emotionally draining at home), and I'm psyched to have a couple days off to recharge, now. But the week has been good.

I got to facilitate with some awesome Cast Members at DU the days I was there. There've been a lot of good laughs in the classroom, too, including hearing one of my trainers shout, "She's gonna spew a rainbow," when discussing Guests who get ill in the parks.

And the participants have been funny, too. We have a section in one of my classes where we show them little scenes and ask what kind of equipment the company might provide them to make tasks easier. One shows a man cutting lemons with a comically large knife, and when my co asked what he might need to be safer, once of the participants said in the driest, loudest undertone: "A SMALLER KNIFE."

I about died in the back of the room. XD

They've been complimentary, too. One of the new ICPs came up at the end of my class specifically to tell me she loved my eyes. I'm pretty sure my face matched Usagi's when she said that. :D

Another young lady complimented my presentation, saying it's hard to make that much information engaging, but that I kept my energy up and helped them do it, too. Awww.

But possibly the highlight of my week was as I had the class taking their seats again after a short exercise, one young lady waved me over to ask if anyone had ever told me I sound like Joy from Inside Out. The girl next to her said, "Yeah, you sound like Amy Poehler."

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

I can't even. I mean, my voice was a bit scratchy from doing three classes yesterday, BUT STIIIIILLLLLLL.

There've been several mornings this month that I've woken up, whether I was scheduled for the resort or for DU, and thought, "I really don't want to do this today." I'm not saying this has changed my mind or will stop me from saying that some mornings, but there are occasionally some nice perks to doing what I do. It's been a good work-week.

06 January 2016 @ 08:40 pm
365 Day Doodle Challenge. Monthly solo-outings. Write four days a week. Weekly Disney movie, and weekly journaling.

I bombed them all. I didn't manage to do a single one of these through even half of 2015. But shockingly, I'm not disappointed in myself. Despite "failing" at my goals, I've had a good year with a lot of growth and good accomplishments. And not succeeding in these goals taught me something about myself: I get frustrated with myself when I get behind on my own self-inflicted schedule, so much so that I wash my hands of things altogether rather than continue the struggle of trying to "catch up." I kept that in mind when devising a list of new goals for this year, so maybe that will help me succeed this time around. So, in no particular order, Goals for 2016!Collapse )

I'd also like to work on the Etsy shop more, including a potential rename that I haven't definitely worked out, yet. And when I get back from my trip (or potentially even a couple weeks before I leave), I'm going to start considering options for my future. Both work and home life have me feeling stagnant, stressed, and frustrated, which means it's time for a change. I need a different role soon, and I need a stable living situation that doesn't equate to my throwing my money away on someone else's mortgage.

If I write again anytime soon, it will be about Christmas and my weekend adventures. But I'm on six days this week and possibly next week, too, so I may just sleep forever instead.